Dear Victoria:

Of course, there is no requirement here that you share about your traumatic experiences of the past, or that you share about anything at all. Here should be a place where you feel safe, not threatened! I learned quite recently how very important it is to provide a safe place for a member in the context of the member’s thread: to not express anger at the member, to not express impatience, to not criticize unless necessary (ex. of necessary criticism: if a member shares about a behavior that is abusive to another person irl), and if so, to do it gently.

I will try this morning to offer you something that may be helpful to you, based on what you did share so far. I hope you have patience with this longer post:

“I have always had this fear that people will suddenly start hating me and leave me… I have a tendency to beat myself up and kind of replay moments when I have misspoken or similarly“- this suggests to me that you have an aggressive inner critic, one that tells you that you are wrong, bad and that other people will hate you (for being wrong and bad).

People who have an aggressive inner critic often (if not always) also have an aggressive outer critic. The two critics are two sides of the same coin. When a person is not busy harshly criticizes oneself, the person is busy harshly criticizes others.

This is what you shared in the order you shared it: “I enjoy getting to know new friends for the first time but after x amount of time… I start to notice their flaws.. The problem is that this always happens. I always tend to get annoyed with friends and it feels like all of my friendships are a ticking time bomb… It is not like huge flaws but at the same time they do distress and they do make me feel resentful towards my friends… I do put them on a pedestal in the beginning…I do understand that I should give them some grace but my resentment just makes interactions with them difficult so I thereby tend to self-isolate”.

I will now rearrange the above (the following are all your words but in a different order): I enjoy getting to know new friends for the first time. I do put them on a pedestal in the beginning. After x amount of time, I start to notice their flaws, not like huge flaws, but they do make me feel resentful towards my friends. My resentment just makes interactions with them difficult, so I thereby tend to self-isolate. The problem is that this always happens. I always tend to get annoyed with friends, and it feels like all of my friendships are a ticking bomb–

-What this suggests to me is that at first, when you meet new friends, you have.. a new hope that you finally met good people who you like, and who will like you back. This is what all of us humans need, being the social animals that we are: to connect with people we like, who will like us back. What happens next is a combination of the inner and outer critics operating aggressively within your brain, and the result: you bring about the end of the friendships.

“Will I ever feel satisfied with my relationships if I feel like this? Will I ever be able to forgive them?“- as a person with a long history of an aggressive inner and outer critic, and a resulting life of alone-ness and loneliness, I can tell you that yes, you can feel satisfied in future relationships if you work on those two mental entities, two sides of the same coin. The work starts with weakening and eventually rendering that aggressive inner critic powerless. When that happens, the other side of the coin, the aggressive outer critic becomes powerless as well. Instead of those two, you will have a reasonable, rational inner/outer critic combo. I would be glad to share more and to continue our conversation.. safely and gently.

anita