Dear born2flow/Denis:

First, it is AMAZING that you replied to my Feb 2022 post, a post I submitted in an inactive Feb-March 2014 thread! It is amazing to receive a reply from a member who had not been active in the forums for almost 9 years (March 5, 2014 was your last post, next post was yesterday, January 10, 2023)!

I didn’t yet read your update, and before I do, I want to refresh my mind with what you shared almost 9 years ago (more than a year before I knew of the existence of tiny buddha), therefore I will summarize what you shared (with quotes) in early 2014:

You shared that you were “feeling kind of lost and searching for something, without knowing what it is“. Your parents divorced when you were 3, you were raised by a “very strict and demanding” mother, for example, in regards to your grades at school and in regard to not drinking alcohol. When you were 16, she left you in Russia while she worked and lived in Hungary for 3 months at a time. She left you in a big, 3-story house with minimal money (even though she was wealthy) so that you don’t party. At 17 or 18, you started to “go out with friends, have couple of beers, party, made house parties“, and to make money, you took on part-time jobs after school and on weekends, but that wasn’t enough money for your lifestyle, so you started selling drugs, mostly weed, eventually becoming “addicted to pot and smoked it daily and consumed extasy or speed every weekend at parties“, while all along being “the best student in class, won some chess cups” and  “had a lot of good friends“.

You graduated high school, went to university where you studied software engineering, rented a flat, moved out from home, and “got a beautiful loving girlfriend“, all along, still selling and taking drugs, smoking weed during the week and ding party drugs on weekends, and attending a part-time cover up job at a cinema. By the age of 24, you realized you were “good at selling drugs“, but “not really good at software engineering“, and that you had  “poor IT knowledge“. Next, you found a seasonal receptionist job in Greece. When you returned home to Russia, you finished your studies, reduced your drug dealings and took on jobs as a translator and a tourist guide.

Next, you and your girlfriend moved to Budapest, Hungary, and you found a job there with stable income, and celebrated your 5th year anniversary with a trip to Miami and the Bahamas, but sometime after your girlfriend broke up with you. When she broke up with you, you started to improve your life “in all areas at once: tried to stop smoking, doing sports, drinking less, consume less weed“, doing better for a couple of weeks but always relapsing: either smoking weed, tobacco and/ or drinking alcohol, having a roller-coaster emotional experience of life, “not sure if it’s over, but I’m feeling much better though.. Sometimes I feel really great, with a lot of energy and good mood. And sometimes, I am getting depressed“, you wrote in 2014. The main hold drugs and alcohol (mostly weed) had on you at the time was that they were the way you rewarded yourself “at the end of (a) productive day“, and you were afraid that if you got clean, if you abandoned drugs and alcohol, and delved into self-improvement and spirituality, your social relationships would suffer, particularly your relationships with girls whom you met “mainly in parties and I think these girls liked the old ‘badass’ me.. they will think I’m weird/ nerd“, you wrote back in 2014.

You also shared that at the beginning of January, 2014, your mother stayed with you in your flat, you “told her almost everything“, and she told that she regretted causing you pain. You told her the same, and the two of you “kind of rebuilt (the)  son-mother relationship… I felt like if I had thrown a 100 kg bag, which I was carrying all the time“.

This is it as far as my summary goes. In my Feb 2022 reply to you, I wrote to you: “this 100 kg bag indicates how important a mother is to her boy… From my experience, it is not that easy to remove such old, heavy weight off oneself, the relief is temporary and the weight returns. It takes much more than apologizing… It takes a process of healing which takes months or years of intentional, persistent and patient work and the weight very gradually lessens and lessens”.

And now, I will read and reply to your update part by part (how exciting and what a unique opportunity): you are very welcome and thank you for taking the time to post this update!

“I must say that you are right – I was naive thinking that all the pain, and neglect, which I experienced in my childhood, would be solved by one deep conversation“- that would have been wonderful, if that was possible. It is way, way easier and faster to destroy a person’s well-being than it is to restore it. This is why the Buddhist principle of no-harm, or do-no-harm makes so much sense.

“It was just the beginning of a long and still ongoing work. I had to get back to this topic at different points of my life“- I find this work never-ending, but not in a bad way: there’s always more to learn. I find these two verbs synonymous: to learn and to heal.

“I found out that I suppressed my negative emotions toward my mother. I felt like I kind of ‘must’ love her and whatever she did – was with the purpose of giving us the best living conditions“- the latter, the thought that whatever a mother does is with her best intention is called convenient thinking, that is: thinking what feels good to think. But it is thinking that is true to reality that promotes healing.

In regard to your negative emotions/ anger toward your mother: little boys and little girls feel guilty about feeling anger toward their mothers. This guilt says: a good boy never feels angry at his mother. We carry this guilt into adulthood and it stands in the way of healing.

“I wanted to feel that we have a good, strong, loving family. I wanted to avoid/ignore the fact, that my father does not reach out to me (while I missed him), I wanted to feel a loving connection to my mother (while our relationship was rather rational, with a lot of fear on my side)“- as children (we don’t have a choice on the matter), we twist our thinking any which way, aka convenient thinking, so to feel better. We ignore what feels badly, and we think what feels good. Convenient thinking helps us survive difficult childhoods, but in adulthood- it maintains sickness.

“At different points of my life, I was visiting psychologists and also a psychodrama group. The goal was varying: to address my addictive behaviors, another time a burn-out at work – but it was just the surface and a lot of work was actually done dealing with my childhood“- we keep re-living our childhoods in the different context of adult life circumstances and behaviors.

“It was quite painful and the process is not over yet (although I am having a pause right now) – first I was feeling really sorry for my little self, kind of felt the unfulfilled childhood need for love, intimacy and safety. Then I got really angry at her and whenever we met, I felt very-very annoyed with her small actions“- I was angry at my mother for so long… it overwhelmed me and distressed me to  no end,  to feel so much anger and yet to hold most of it in. I wasn’t able to not feel angry at her. After my first significant therapy work, I felt even angrier at her. In my mind, it was either her or me in my life, can’t have both.

“I believe that she also tried the best she could (but not what I needed the most) – but it’s rather a very rational level“- most mothers don’t try their best for their children. To think that they do is .. convenient thinking and a myth.

“Now I feel kind of sad about it, as I am not sure about the next step. I always want to be there for her and support her throughout her life“- you want to be there for her and support her throughout her life, but she did not want to be there for you and support you when you were growing up.. she didn’t really have to work in Hungary, did she? And she could have- if she tried her best- to be kinder to you.

“On emotional level I don’t feel that true love and connection.. I neither feel gratitude and feel that I should – but it’s fake“- if you removed the convenient thinking from your thinking, you wouldn’t feel the guilt. You would be free from a false sense of debt and obligation.

“I was thinking if we should have another deep talk about it – but I’m afraid to reveal my thoughts and that I will hurt her and she is going through a very rough period for a while now“- you are afraid to hurt her; when you were growing up, she was not afraid to hurt you. If she was afraid to hurt you.. she wouldn’t have, time and time again.

“I was thinking to accept that this is how our relationship looks like and just keep supporting her in the way I can, hoping that I’ll gain more positive feelings towards her eventually“- I tried so hard to accept my mother in my life and I failed again and again. In order to maintain a relationship with her, I had to accept what she thought of me (little) and what she felt for me (frequent disdain). How could I possibly be mentally healthy while maintaining these beliefs about myself?

I last saw my mother in May 2012… two years before you posted on tiny buddha. I knew then that I couldn’t have her in my life and heal. I knew that the cost of keeping her in my life, was keeping my sickness as well. I chose then to never see her again, and on March 2013 I chose to never talk to her again (on the phone).

Interestingly, before ending contact with her, I thought that she will feel terribly hurt and suffer because of my decision, and chase me so to resume contact (I still believed, conveniently, that she loved me; that I meant a lot to her). Surprisingly to me, at the time, it was not a big loss to her and she never even asked me to resume contact. Thinking now what is true to reality (not what was convenient to think before), it is not at all surprising: she didn’t really love me; I was not something or someone that made her happy when I lived with her/near her all these years..  why would it be a significant loss for her not to have me in her life?

“This is where I stand at the moment. Will come back with another update in 8 years.. Thanks again for your post, which triggered me to reflect. All the best, Denis“- thank you, Denis, and all my best to you!

anita