Hi Lily

It’s tricky since your partner has a habit of withholding the truth. You can either drop it and accept that he didn’t divulge because he was afraid of hurting you and losing the relationship or continue to ask him about it hoping he will reveal more hidden truths later on or speak to the mutual friend in question.

I can understand your partner hiding that would  making you feel nervous because it could mean any number of things.

I can also understand why he felt like sharing that would hurt you and chose to hide it. I’m not excusing it, because lying by omission is wrong.

He tried to get back together with you for months. Shortly before you agreed he slept with a mutual friend. I can definitely see how sharing this might put your newly reestablished relationship at risk, which could be the reason why he waited until things were more settled to tell you. Or it could be that he got tired of the asking and thought being honest would put an end to it.

Can I ask how your relationship is outside of this issue?

The difficulty with pursuing this issue further is that it’s causing arguments. Is it worth putting the relationship at risk?

There may also be a 4th option. You could mention to your partner when you are having these anxious thoughts. But accept his boundaries. Don’t ask him anymore questions and take care to phrase things in a less direct way.

For example: “I’m feeling insecure. My anxiety is acting up and fears about what happened with our mutual friend are popping up again”.

I found that my partner is more receptive to my anxious thoughts when he doesn’t feel blamed in any way.

What are your thoughts about all of this?