Hello Helcat

Thank you. Yes I have seen a counsellor on and off over the years, and although I’ve worked through a number of things, I’m not sure I’ve really fully dealt with this trauma, it feels like it’s locked away somewhere, as I can’t understand why I would continue to make the same mistakes.

I guess my partner following my divorce was experiencing the same as me. I was physically attracted to him, the conversation flowed, we laughed a lot and had a similar sense of humor. He was separated from his wife, as i was from my husband. He had 3 children (5, 8 and 11 at the time) who lived with his wife. We were both going through divorce, we were seeking similar things at the time i guess. About 6 months after moving in together, i felt unsettled, i was suddenly looking after his 3 children part time, plus my two sons (2 and 3 at the time). 3 or 4 years in i was feeling unhappy, he was quite volatile could anger easily, liked to be in control and have things his way, would undermine my parenting and his oldest child (son) could do no wrong, and he’d take his frustration out on his middle child (daughter) alot of the time classing her as the troublesome one along with my youngest son. I eventually moved out, we stayed together for another year and then i called it quits. I guess the best way to explain it would be i got fed up of living his life, things his way and of feeling bullied and always in the wrong.

The first emotionally abusive one, i fell for his gift of the gab (same as my husband). I was sort of attracted to him, i think more for what he said than physically. I ended it when he got physical with my youngest son, throwing him and his toys off a sofa that he wanted to sit on. I told him to leave my house and he gave me a mouthful of abuse before he departed.

The next one I knew from school, he was quite shy, and still was. He disclosed about a month later that he was Bipolar. His behaviour was erratic, up one minute down the next, but if a rollercoaster. I cut him some slack, it wasn’t his fault his moods were so up and down, and my friend was Bipolar so i knew to expect it. After 6 months of his erratic mood swings and alot of patience and understanding, i decided to end it as it was taking it toll, but he took me on an emotional rollercoaster, being mean, then calm and pleasant then angry etc, it was frightening and i took back my decision to end it. We remained together (not living together thankfully) for another year and a half, i found out that he also had psychotic depression and anxiety as well as being Bipolar. I also found out he was not taking his medications as he should have been which obviously affected his moods and behaviour. I spent that next year and a half trying to work out how to end it and get away from him whilst enduring emotional abuse and physical bullying (pinching, so called ‘jokey’ ‘soft’ punches, and being named called and criticised). I eventually found the courage to end it and he gave me hell for the next 3 months, turning up at my house, phone calls etc before he stopped having found someone else to ‘date’.

I was alone for a year before I met my next partner, the friend i knew from work. (I felt afraid to date and go out and meet anyone. I’ve not been on a dating site or made any effort to date since the previous relationship).

I wasn’t physically attracted to him but i knew he was a nice enough guy. I was afraid of getting involved though, hugs frightened me, kissing felt uncomfortable i guess because of what i had experienced with my last partner. He treated me well tho, we went out for walks, lunch, dinner, cinema the usual thing, we chatted and texted loads and we got on. Over time though, he became frustrated at the amount of time i was able to spend with him due to looking after my boys, he visited me less and i was left driving over to his the majority of the time. He then started meeting up more with his mates, going to support his beloved footy team. This was about 8 months in and i spoke to him about it, and he vowed to make changes as he didn’t want to lose me. It was okay for 3 or 4 months then returned to how it had been. I eventually plucked up the courage to call it quits and ended the relationship. Were remained friends and chatted over the phone now and again, but that phased out after about a year.

And then theres A.. I had briefly met him years ago (about 11 years ago) at a friend’s party, just the pleasantaries, hello and brief chat whilst chatting to my friends. He’d seen me out and about recently (through the start of last year) and I received a message from him on Facebook asking how I was and if I fancied going out for a walk sometime..

Growing up, my mum was quite focused on my brother. He was born with a heart defect, a speech defect and a webbed hand (like a ducks foot). He needed an op for his hand, speech therapy and regular check ups. Whilst this was happening and my dad was working around it all, I’d stay with my grandparents (my dad’s mum and stepdad). I learnt from a young age to be independent, look after myself and be helpful to my mum and brother. I always looked out for my brother through school and when we were out and about. I always looked out for my mum and helped her when she needed help. My brother has never really been pushed into or given the opportunity to fend for himself because my mum and dad have always been there, and he’s latched onto that, I guess because he had nothing else??