Dear Palegazesunnidays:

You are welcome. In regard to your romantic relationships, you shared that before your youngest was born, you separated from your then husband, father of your two sons, because of his adultery. You had a few relationships since. The first lasted several years: he was separated from his spouse and going through a divorce, just like you; he had 3 children, and you have 2. Living together, he was volatile, angered easily, undermined your parenting and took his frustration on his middle daughter and on your younger son. You eventually moved out, and a year later, you called it quits: “I got fed up of living his life, things his way and of feeling bullied and always in the wrong“.

The 2nd relationship lasted 3 months: he got physical with your youngest son, “throwing him and his toys off the sofa“, following which you told him to leave the house.

The 3rd relationship lasted 2 years: he suffered from Bipolar, psychotic depression and anxiety. He displayed erratic mood swings, “being mean, then calm and pleasant then angry etc.“, emotionally abused you and physically bullied you by pinching you and throwing ‘soft’ punches at you.

The 4th relationship lasted  2.5 years: he was a nice guy, but over time, he got frustrated with the limited amount of time you spent with him due to parenting your two boys, and he gradually withdrew from you, spending more time with his mates. You eventually ended the relationship. The 5th and current relationship, with A, has lasted a year so far, and it is currently very unsatisfactory: “A wants me when it suits him“.

In regard to your original family, you shared that your brother “was born with a heart defect, a speech defect and a webbed hand“, needed an operation for his hand, speech therapy and regular checkups. Your mother focused on him and your father, the sole source of income for the family, “was working around it all“. Your brother is currently dyslexic, and possibly ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder), although never diagnosed with ASD. He still lives at home, as an adult, having no friends, no job, and no benefits. He is anxious in general and socially anxious in particular. He “shuts himself in his room and is nocturnal, being awake all night, and asleep most of the day“.

Your mother is dyslexic as well, but unlike your socially anxious brother, “she is a social butterfly, loves to meet with her friends for coffee and chatter“. She doesn’t have a job, nor does she drive, and she has mobility issues. “The most she is able to help with is.. food shopping, household chores, food prep/ cooking“.

Your father has been the sole source of income in the home, and before his mental health breakdown last June, he handled all the finances, all the driving for the family, and more: “Over the years my dad has expressed his frustration and overwhelm at having to do everything, all the driving, running about, finances, maintaining the house and garden etc. etc.. He’s let off steam with me, he’s shouted in exasperation at my mum, more so when I was younger, as I remember trying to calm them both by making them laugh“.   .

In regard to the responses to your father anxiety and depression breakdown, you responded by going into overdrive, doing a whole lot to help your father, and to help your mother and brother (who could no longer be helped by your father, as far as driving etc.). Your brother rose to the occasion: “He was most helpful when my dad was unwell at home in trying to help him to manage his anxiety have found ways to try to manage his own“.

Your mother‘s response: “My dad’s anxiety frustrates her. When he was unwell at home she backed away saying she couldn’t deal with it, saying she just felt cross with him“.

The above is my organized summary of what you shared in your 3 recent posts. If you re-read it when you have the time, when you feel calm and patient: does any new insight come up for you?

anita