Dear Palegazesunnidays:

You are welcome and thank you for being as amazing as you are!

“I chose to look after myself this evening..“- you chose to put yourself first last evening, excellent!

You wrote: “It would feel great to put myself first whilst behaving with respect and kindness towards others and parenting my sons as best I can. I’m just not quite sure where to start to be able to do that and how to keep doing it without falling back into old habits“-

– old habits cannot be underestimated because they are powerful and we are creatures of habit. Simplified yet true: habits are established physical and chemical connections between nerve cells in the brain. It takes patience, practice and time to weaken old habits (physical and chemical connection) and create new habits. It is called Neuroplasticity aka neural plasticity, or brain plasticity: “the ability of neural networks in the brain to change through growth and reorganization. It is when the brain is rewired to function in some way that differs from how it previously functioned” (Wikipedia).

I grew up feeling excruciating guilt in regard to believing that I made my mother miserable, the last thing I wanted to do because… it felt so terrible. Guilt was like a very dark cloud that followed me everywhere, making living and thriving impossible. My brain was heavily wired to feel Guilty (with a capital G). At the age of 24, I left my mother, country, continent and travelled to America, all by myself. I remember the magical freedom being away from her, seeing the first Christmas in my life, in New York City (NYC).. how wonderful life could be. But then.. I felt Guilty to witness all this magic while my mother never traveled abroad, and so (I am not adding all the details here and what it took), I had her come over to NYC and visit the city (and elsewhere in Eastern U.S.A.), with me. After she left, there was no more magic for me in NYC and I sought it elsewhere.

Fast forward, at about 28, I experienced a new magic: I got my first full time  job as a teacher in the U.S., I was making more than minimum wage for the first time in my life. Buying my own home- in the future- became a possibility. I purchased those cassette tapes that were advertised on TV, full of calming music and positive affirmations. Affirmations like: I deserve to be happy, I am a worthy person (I don’t remember the exact words). I listened to those while jogging and it felt so good, as if I believed those things about myself… but then I felt too guilty to not visit my mother when on vacation from school, so I did.. and the Guilt returned, the positive affirmations were gone.. I lost my job, never to regain a full-time job.

There is more to the story, of course, but fast forward many years, I finally ended all contact with my mother, and currently, I no longer feel Guilt. And it is quite recent that I feel that I am on my own side, that I am for me (no longer against me), that I don’t deserve to suffer and that I deserve to feel good, even in difficult situations.  I tell you all this so to let you know where I come from and what I know about changing habits: changing physical and chemical habits of the brain, in a practical sense.

Back to you, you wrote yesterday: “A few other things have popped up in my mind.. guilt.. for wanting to leave my previous partners, how can I leave when they need me.. Guilt about hurting them despite feeling hurt myself”- so we have Guilt in common.

“Guilt about hurting the despite feeling hurt myself. A need for feeling needed?? My parents and my brother needed me. My needs weren’t/ aren’t being met by the other person/people because they are focused on themselves”-

– you figured that if you gave them what they needed, they will then turn around and give you what you needed. Isn’t it so?

Still yesterday, you wrote: “In all my relationships, these were/are men that wanted only what they wanted… My husband just did his own thing.. I looked after him and our house, listened when he felt troubled, supported him with very little in return, he wasn’t there for me when I really needed him.. I like I wasn’t enough, I felt alone”-

I figure that the above is a replay of your childhood: you gave everyone what you believed they needed, but received very little in return. And you felt alone, that you weren’t enough or worthy to be looked after, to be listened to, to be supported. A habit was formed in your childhood: to take care of others and to wait till they will turn around and take care of you.

“My next partner.. I’d calm him when he was angry, listen when he was frustrated“- just like you did for your father, isn’t it?

“Again, when I really needed him, he wasn’t there for me, I felt unimportant, and alone. Number 3… No. 4… I felt emotionally drained, worthless and very alone. No. 5.. the nice guy..  but he wasn’t there when I really needed him. Yet again, I felt like I wasn’t enough, and alone. And A.. same story, different guy”-

– same childhood story, and same childhood feelings: unimportant, worthless, not enough; emotionally drained; very alone.

“I don’t remember feelings of loneliness growing up“- you forgot. Those feelings must have been there.

“If I look at my work life it has always revolved around helping and supporting others to achieve things…  it’s what I know and I know I’m good at it in that context.. but very obviously not within the context of a relationship… And then at the bottom of the pile, after everyone else is okay.. I put myself… and feel worthless when nothing comes back“-

-let’s return to what you shared most recently: “I chose to look after myself this evening whilst my sons are out with their friends. I ran myself a bath, lit a few candles and relaxed for a short while and I now plan to read my book before I retire for the night“-

– let’s say (and I hope so) that you did retire for the night and had a good night. Fast forward, another evening, your sons are out with their friends, and you figure that you’ll do the same again. You run yourself a bath, lit a few candles.. but you don’t feel relaxed because you talked a bit earlier with your father and he sounded particularly depressed. Him sounding this way triggered the old habit: to take care of others and to wait till they will turn around and take care of you.

What you need, in the scenario I outlined right above, is to relax. But according to that physical and chemical habit, the way for you to relax is to make your father feel better first. Associated with this habit is the belief that you are not yet worthy of being relaxed, you still have to earn it by taking care of your father and then wait for him to give/allow you the relaxation that you need.  I could go on but this post is long enough. Please take all the time you need to read and respond, if you will.

* One more thing: my story that I shared with you in this post, it is not about you making me feel better and taking care of me. It’s meant to let you know where I come from in regard to the topic we are discussing.

anita