Dear Palegazesunnidays:

I want to elaborate on the above and take it farther, sharing with you my own life-experience and growing understanding:

When we are children, we feel most intensely: we feel hurt, sadness, joy, hope, fear intensely. Maybe if you look back at your childhood, you can remember feeling hope intensely? I remember: it felt like the grass was intensely green and the sun intensely pleasant, and the image is of me running excitedly on the green grass under the pleasant sun, running toward a beautiful future that’s just about to happen.

I didn’t remember for a long time how intensely fear felt because naturally, my brain-body dissociated from it as quickly as it could, best it could. Recently, I remembered how my heart beat faster, how spacey and nauseous my head got when just about to be attacked by my mother.

I always remembered though the sadness and guilt over my mother’s unhappiness (which she expressed for hours in most dramatic ways), and I kept re-experiencing this excessive empathy for her, sadness and guilt as an adult, for many years.

As I learn about other people, I find that when childhood was difficult, people keep re-experiencing the same feelings of childhood in new, adult life-circumstances: as adults, we are the same children hurting, fearing.. hoping.

I think that the first time you mentioned guilt was on Jan 24: “A few other things have popped up in my mind.. guilt.. for wanting to leave my previous partners, how can I leave when they need me.. Guilt about hurting them despite feeling hurt myself.”- having re-read all your posts, it seems to me that your original guilt was about wanting- as a child or a young teenager and onward-  to quit taking care of your parents and brother.. that it was about feeling angry at your parents for taking away from you the idea of a carefree childhood (the term stolen childhood comes to mind), and burdening you instead with adult responsibilities. You wanted to leave them all, perhaps, but were afraid that you will hurt them if you leave them.

All the taking care of your parents, your brother and everyone else- may be your tireless and exhausting way to seek redemption: to redeem what you feel is a bad part of you (bad for feeling angry at your parents, bad for wanting to leave them).

On Jan 26, you wrote in regard to romantic partners: “I then end up in a position where I know I want to get out, to walk away, but in creeps the guilt.. It’ll hurt them… so I stay”- I think that this is the story of your childhood (if you substitute  parents for partners).

On that same day, you wrote: “Returning to the aspect of guilt for a moment..  In the last few years.. my parents have continued to visit 2 or 3 days a week.. They’d stay for several hours at a time.. I was frustrated about the time they spent round at mine… I became a bit snappy and sought to escape the house for walks alone when they visited... when my dad fell unwell and the deterioration of his mental health picked up pace, I partially blamed myself for not wanting him and my mum to come round as much as they were, I felt guilty that I’d pushed him away and it was my fault. That guilt still floats in and out of my mind“- here is the guilt about feeling angry at your parents (“snappy” is the word you used) and wanting to get away from them, to leave them and move on to a different kind of life.

Taking care of others, emotionally and practically, in your own words (I boldface the different people you took/ take care of): “I was now supporting my mum and brother at their home and helping with shopping etc., visiting and supporting my dad in hospital… I’d also agreed to be a support worker for my friend’s daughter 2 to 3 days a week, whilst also supporting my own sons at home…  I’ve always been (mother’s) support and my brother’s from a young age… My husband.. I looked after him and our house, listened when he felt troubled, supported him…  My next partner.. I’d calm him when he was angry, listen when he was frustrated.. I helped him find and take part in new activities…  No. 4 .. I supported, I cared, I listened, I helped him with all sorts of difficulties he was having… No. 5.. I listened to him poor out his feelings of loneliness.. I supported him through some tough moments.. I worked as a personal trainer/fitness coach, in a hospital, in a nursery looking after babies and toddlers… working in a special needs school supporting children with considerable needs..“-

– seems to me that all this taking care of others is partly motivated by a desire or a need to free yourself from perceived badness, to become a good person through all these deeds, and to earn your right (as a redeemed person, a good person) to… your own life.

Another motivation in physically helping others and keeping yourself otherwise physically active is to distract yourself from feeling so low with anxiety, suppressed anger and guilt: “I busied myself with going for walks, visiting my parents and cooking them Xmas Dinner, and I threw myself into sorting and tidying around the house, I had a huge desire to be busy… pushing myself to walk, cycle, exercise more, it’s my coping/mechanism for seeking some sense of control…I guess when feeling so low”.

I will close this post with the following thoughts: I mentioned the term stolen childhood. I don’t remember if I read it somewhere. I know that “stolen lives” is the title of a book I once read, a title I identified with because I felt that my life was stolen. I’d say that the majority of my life was kidnapped and held hostage by Guilt. It was a false guilt, just like yours is a false guilt. It was never your job to take care of your parents and brother. It was your parents’ job to take care of you. Your anger at them and the desire to leave them, or at least, to leave the Guilt behind is more than understandable; it is valid and it is natural. If this post makes sense to you, if you want to correct that parts of it that are inaccurate or  not complete- please do.

anita