<p class=”p1″>Hi Anita,</p>
<p class=”p1″>A very belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you! I thought of you during the holidays, and hoped I would get a moment to myself to write to you, but I didn’t. How have you been? I am so sorry (again!) for my delay in getting back to you. I have been so busy this last while, I (literally) barely have time to sleep. I have been trying as usual to keep my head afloat between working and caring for my baby, as well as trying to keep my relationship somewhat healthy and unsurprisingly, not able to do so very well.</p>
<p class=”p1″>I’m sad to report that my mental and physical health have continued to decline this last year. I tried to keep ahead of it, but it seemed like instance after instance would occur that would knock me back professionally, financially, or emotionally. You predicted that if I continued my relationship with B, my health would continue to suffer and I would become sicker than I was. Unfortunately, I believe that has become the case. Around the summer last year and the time my daughter turned one in the fall, my mental health was at a completely unstable point. I was having regular panic attacks, and I desperately needed a break from working I believe. B had finally secured a job working for my friend’s husband’s company and reporting to him, but it was commission-based and not dependable. As such, I continued to work as much as I could, to the detriment of my health I believe. Finally, at my absolute lowest point, I reached out to my doctor and began an SSRI, sertraline, which I am still taking now. To be honest, I’m not sure if it has truly been helping, but I continue to take it in case it is. </p>
<p class=”p1″>My relationship with B has all but crumbled. Not long after I posted last, B seemed to have given up on any attempt to improve our relationship, and began treating me poorly. Gone was the person that was at least always polite and kind to me. Now, not only was he financially draining me, he also was indifferent and sometimes cruel to me, often mocking or laughing (he called it being “exasperated”) at me when I was completely overwhelmed or emotional. I continued working with my therapist, who, surprisingly to me, recommended strongly that I end the relationship and labelled B a narcissist based on his actions. To this day, I’m not sure if that’s true or not. All I know, is that I am so tired of fighting, so tired of trying to make a relationship work with someone so irresponsible, reckless and immature despite being almost 10 years my senior. </p>
<p class=”p1″>That being said, I am terrified of potentially missing out on my daughter’s life. I don’t want to “share” her, if I’m completely honest. So I have stayed in the relationship, begged B to change and implored him to think about how changing would be in everyone’s best interest, including his. These conversations are met with verbal reassurances, but very rarely followed through with actions. In being ritually disappointed, saddened, and hurt by his actions (and often inactions), I have resorted to not being very kind to him at all. In fact, so much so that we mutually agreed to take some time apart while I visited my parents in the city I almost moved to. I have been here now for a week, and B promised to finally organize and clean the house he had promised to do when we moved in about a year ago. Low and behold, he was out with his friends at the bars and drinking rather than doing this, so I snapped. I was not very nice to him on the phone, and the next thing I knew, he had blocked me and I received a message from his sister-in-law that they (his parents included) had helped him move out. </p>
<p class=”p1″>I honestly don’t know how I feel about this new development longer term. In the short-term, I feel completely blindsided and betrayed by the lack of upfront communication, but on the other side, maybe it truly just is for the best and it doesn’t matter how it happens. But again, I can’t seem to get over the idea of sharing parenting and not seeing my daughter every single day. That side that worries so much about that is motivating me to try to mend things with B, perhaps finally try counselling together and see if perhaps most of our issues were some kind of misunderstanding, as he never really was able to communicate with me openly and calmly. He would shut down and stonewall anytime I addressed something with him I wasn’t happy with. Including our financial situation. Part of me feels so sad and frustrated that he seemingly wouldn’t work on this, that if he did, we could have a true shot at happiness. Another side of me feels like a man in his 40s is unlikely to change. I just don’t know.</p>
<p class=”p1″>You mentioned in your last reply that I went along with fear, when I didn’t move to this city. Am I going along with fear again? I really don’t know. Somehow I feel so out of touch with my emotions, my intuition, my judgement. Perhaps it has to do with the medication that I am taking. I’m not sure. Either way, I find myself more lost than ever, but with a ticking time-bomb on my shoulder based on a limited window of opportunity to work on things with B, who already mostly seems against continuing the relationship, although never even nothing to communicate this directly to me and having me instead painfully and awkwardly having to ask his SIL.</p>
<p class=”p1″>As a side note, I did end up messaging G an apology. He surprisingly wrote back, and after a little back and forth, mentioned he would like to meet in either city. I told B about this, and he even encouraged me to go to gain closure with him, but out of loyalty and respect to B, I did not. Now, at seemingly the eleventh hour of my failing relationship with B, I wonder if my loyalty was misguided. </p>
<p class=”p1″>Once again, I’m so sorry I don’t have more positive news to write to you with. That being said, my daughter is lovely as ever. She is wicked smart, has a hilarious sense of humour, is incredibly kind, and is already talking and identifying over 200 words at under a year and a half old. I’m so proud of her, and so glad she’s here. I just wish so badly I could provide a happy nuclear family for her. Maybe it’s the romantic in me, but even with me and B seemingly separating, I still hold a tiny bit of hope that maybe some time apart and some maturing and perspective on his part will maybe allow for us to be a real family. Or, maybe I am just deluding myself and taking a page out of B’s book of defence mechanisms.</p>
<p class=”p1″>Thanks for checking on me always, Anita. I hope you are doing amazingly!</p>
– L