@Helcat – out of interest, was your husband in therapy at all as part of those 6 years? Or did he have any guidance from frameworks/books/etc. It’s a long time, good for him to be so dedicated!

I have been thinking that my attachment style might not be so secure after all. I do mostly feel secure except for when this conflict arises, it’s like I suddenly regress to an anxious attachment style! And his’ becomes avoidant. Outside of that, I don’t find myself being needy or anxious about us at all. It’s odd how this works.

That’s an intriguing question from your therapist. I’m going to have to sit and really think about it, because nothing comes to mind right away.

Because of how my husband is with conflict, I think I often avoid disagreements in the first place. It’s just not worth it to me. With your example of the energy bill, it could be similar here – I’m always feeling warm so I have very little need of the heating being on. But for my husband (he works from home) it’s different, as he’s much colder physically. If I feel unhappy about something like the energy bill or other financial things, unless it’s something very worrying like literally gambling, I wouldn’t even feel like saying anything.

You’re right, I can’t really defend myself at all against his criticism because it just comes right back at me. He is extremely armoured in such situations. What frustrates me most is that I have learnt all the “best practices” of communicating nonviolently, such as using “I…” statements rather than “You…” I don’t name call, I don’t do character attacks, I don’t swear at him and yet he still feels some kind of pull to this aggressive communication style when there’s conflict.