Hi Seaturtle

After a sleep, I feel better now.

Thank you for your kindness and understanding regarding my trauma. It was a while ago and trauma therapy helped me a lot. I just wanted to illustrate how each others triggers can interact with each other in relationships.

Thank you for sharing your partner’s background. That makes a lot of sense why he’s experiencing triggers sometimes when you discuss your triggers.

I think that couples therapy is tricky. I’ve had a positive experience with it. But I’ve heard of so many people who haven’t. I think if you do decide to go in the future, you would have to have a very clear idea of what you want to happen. A lot of people go and end up either breaking up or feeling unsatisfied with the therapy. One thing that I didn’t like is that our therapist tried to bring up past arguments. We were very focused on wanting to improve our communication.

The first session was very much just assessment as a couple as well as during private interviews. Our individual issues were discussed as well as our perspectives on difficulties with the relationship. There’s not a lot actually going on in the first session. It is more just identifying risk factors. Obviously, domestic violence is a concern for some relationships.

I’m glad that your partner has done some things that help soothe your triggers. It can definitely be helpful to communicate what does help with him.

You’re a very open communicative person and your desire for personal development is admirable. You have a lot of courage to face the situation head on and discuss behaviours within the relationship.

Regarding the lateness. I wouldn’t be happy either if my partner didn’t let me know. Depending on how late he is, would determine how annoyed I’d be. It’s good that you know what doesn’t work for you and what does.

The difficulty is how receptive your partner is to trying out different communication styles. To find something that helps you both.

Do you think a simple apology might work for you? For example, “Sorry for being late, I know it’s a trigger for you. I don’t ever want to make you feel unseen.”. Just brainstorming, I’m sure that you would be able to figure out something that would be able to best help you.

The difficulty with apologising is that some men hate it. My husband did and felt like an apology meant that he had to mean that he’d done something wrong. Instead of simply being a way to validate emotions. Women are prepped by society to apologise in a variety of different scenarios and understand that it’s largely about validation and manners. I had to talk to him and explain that it’s not that he was doing something wrong. It’s just showing that he cared and empathised with how I felt.

It’s a very tricky situation that you are both in. I hope like you do that moving out will take some of that pressure off. It’s extra tricky because you’ve been experiencing daily triggers and you both haven’t had a peaceful week together for a while. It definitely sounds like you’re both feeling the pressure of the situation.

I think that you did a good job of reflecting on the difficulties in the relationship and how you feel about them.

To a lot of people, taking a break just means breaking up. So I can understand why he feels scared by this idea. Perhaps you could take a break without actively using that term. What would taking a break look like to you?

I want to gently validate your feelings about your trauma and the difficulties in the relationship. It’s not your fault that you have trauma issues and it’s not certainly easy for you.

What I don’t like is when your partner invalidates your trauma. You are not a weak person, you are strong and that is easy to see because you have the strength to face your issues and discuss these difficult situations. These are things that your partner seems to have difficulty with.

I think that having my trauma invalidated, which is a big part of my life would make me feel unseen too. What do you think?

Love and best wishes! 🙏