Hi Anita!

I was so happy to see you back on the forum. I absolutely would love to hear your reply. I could write a long update, but I will summarize it for you. I did end up trying to reconcile with B despite the pain and sadness I have felt for so long in this relationship. I felt I realized at the time I had been too hard on him, and didn’t appreciate what he brought to the table (helping with my daughter, keeping the home tidy, and helping some with bills). However, in the summer I had one I can only describe as a complete break, and considered seriously ending my life.

Despite this, and the inevitable permanent end of my relationship with B, I still find myself incredibly saddened by the loss of the nuclear family I wanted so badly, as well as the shame I feel of not being able to have provided that for my daughter and as a therapist myself how that looks externally.

I wanted so badly to have that picture perfect life, but I feel I could not manage it. It plagues me still in wondering if I had been nicer to B, more understanding and nurturing if this still would have been the case. But my therapist reassures me that this is who B is, that he showed up as he is and not because I had the power to change him to be less of a parent. I still feel guilt for not maintaining the relationship though, because after the second separation in the summer, unsurprisingly B has not been involved in our daughter’s life, save for a few visits and minimal financial contributions.

I wish it had been different, I wish I could have made it different for my daughter. And I have found myself experiencing incredible pain that it isn’t.  I hope I will feel differently in the future, that I will feel it was right for my daughter and I, or at the very least it wasn’t my fault.

Thank you again and again for your continued support for me in my journey. I think about you often, and hope you are doing very well!

L