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Reply To: Will I ever want to move on?

Home→Forums→Relationships→Will I ever want to move on?→Reply To: Will I ever want to move on?

December 8, 2023 at 6:00 am #425924
greenshade
Participant
Dear Anita,
It is good to see you again at the forums! I hope you have been well over the past couple of years!
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and validating response.
Yes, it is when things are the hardest that I miss him the most. I guess these are difficult weeks, and that is why I don’t feel like connecting with new people. It is a shame because it is rare for me to meet people I vibe with. I met a man through work and we had mutual interest, but I am not feeling okay right now to follow up on it.
I moved out of my parents house in 2020. I guess I am still not able to live the full home life I wanted because:
  1. For me, safety in dating comes in living with a partner and seeing their behavior up close before committing. This is almost unheard of in my country, and I am scared of having men over, because it is not uncommon for women to lose housing over these things. Casually dating in public is also not so openly done, and that makes it harder for those little moments of connection to happen that lead for me to have feelings for someone. I feel I am ready for a serious partnership (outside of these past few weeks) but feel unable to act on this readiness.
  2. I don’t manage to save enough to host people as I would like.
  3. I find housekeeping overwhelming because I have trauma around it. This also makes having people over harder, and also makes it harder to set up my home space as I would like.
  4. I love dancing and playing in public spaces, just hanging out in a park, or walking to the grocery store but these are not very safe things for women to do alone in my country. I do them much much less frequently than I would like.
  5. Work is the one area that feels very fulfilling, because I feel what I do here in my country makes exponentially the amount of difference it would if I did it in a western context. It is what is keeping me here. My setting, and my being fully grounded in this setting, helps my work be unique and be competitive even at a global level. It also makes me feel like I am helping to build a society more aligned with one I would want to live in. I fear losing this edge and fulfilment/ excitement if I do move abroad again. With my family, my father has a caregiver now who has taken over much of his care, and my mum has family she could move in with, so my family would be cared for if I do move abroad.
I guess for me the big question in building a healthy happy life now for myself is that I don’t see how to be able to follow both my work and my home life goals at the same time. I think part of the reason I struggle to move on is also this, that I don’t feel safe doing the things that would allow me to develop that sense of trust and warmth with a new potential partner, so my ex remains the person I associate these things with.
Thank you again for listening!
With warmth,
M