Anita,

thank you for your response.
since my last post about a year ago, I have been in consistent therapy. It has helped so much with my anxiety. It did really lead me away from my relationship anxiety and helped me realize that there was so much more to work through. My relationship anxiety went away and other anxieties came up. I made progress in the realizations that my family has had a huge effect on my mental health. It is a slow process to heal, but last night and this morning felt like the biggest setback I have had. It felt like I felt a year ago when I had this panic attack with negative thoughts about my boyfriend (who we are calling “S”.) The thoughts have changed since last year. But the same terrifying feeling came back and really scared me. This is the first time since I made that first post in 2022.

Now that I am feeling more rational, it’s easier to work through why I think this may have happened.
S is going through a hard time himself right now. It’s hard to be supportive sometimes when I myself am not in the best mental state. Sometimes I think his anxiety feeds mine. We will also be visiting with my family soon and I have a lot of worries and fears going into it. It makes me so sad that they get projected onto S. I have fears that my family does not like S. But I have no logical reason to believe this. I think that is an anxious thought that comes from the manipulation we experienced with an old friends. Along with the amount of pressure I feel to meet my family’s unrealistic expectations.

Ultimately, I do agree with your answer in your response that I am feeling a mix of anger and anxiety.
I have trouble with knowing what to do with these emotions when the only thing that feels like the right answer is to pick an argument with S. Or tell him what’s going on in my head, hear what he has to say and then immediately shut it down and have something else negative to say ti him. This is toxic behavior from me & I know it has to be hurting his feelings. I want to stop, it is not fair to him.
Any advice as to how I can combat feeling this way without needing S’s support? He is not the person that I should talk to if the negative thoughts are about him. This usually happens during the off hours of my therapist so talking to him in the moment would not be an option either.

Thanks again,

nala1234