Thank you Anita and Tommy,

Im not new to depression and i suffer from social anxiety. I was diagnosed as HSP once as well. Needless to say, somehow, ive managed to survive this far, mainly by finding the strength in myself…no drugs, no therapy..just hanging in there. Where i live it is not very advanced in this area and i dont have a lot of money to waste on trying to find the right thing. I struggle and have done, to deal with self worth and existential anxiety. That even sounds contrived and pompous to me. But its the case. Even if i had a wonderful relationship with someone…i would still feel like this. I would wonder what my purpose is..what im doing…could it be better…i would still struggle to find contentment.

So i live alone, eat alone, am mostly alone…..and most of the time i can handle it. I cant say im happy, im so much happier with friends around and doing stuff together. But others..they dont stick around. Maybe they are too busy themselves or maybe its because nothing ever seems to get better for me and its painful to watch? i notice that sometimes i have to fill silence with talk because they are not saying anything, or worse, looking over my shoulder…so i have to conclude that im not much fun to be around.

People are also more attracted to someone who has it all together, clearly i dont. I lose jobs, men and friends and i dont have answers to why things happen. Im not proactive, i dont have plans or ideas of what to do. These days it is increasingly just panic. Its like there is something wrong with me and i cant put a finger on exactly what..i feel that there is so much inside that i would like to do, but i cant get there with this brain. i feel trapped.

When i was a kid i did prefer to be alone, i was shy, your typical introvert, great imagination, able to entertain myself no problem. As i got older ive had friends, boyfriends but i never got married, had kids, these things are a big step i couldnt make and in a lot of cases i was rejected at the times when i would have taken the leap. Work life has been patchy and very difficult for me so ive developed an anxiety of not having work, not making money. I studied art..it has been fairly useless and i taught myself everything else that i know from computer design to marketing to business administration. I should be proud of that but there has always been someone more accomplished vying for my job, or next to me or coming up behind me. Always a boss who wanted more and made me feel like i wasnt enough. A boyfriend who needed more of something i didnt have. I never mastered a corner of the room for myself that somebody else couldnt do. So therefore i feel fairly worthless.

I have parents who achieved a lot in their life, you can say its my dad´s hard graft but it was a combination of that and great timing when jobs were available, opportunities were there. I have needed their help financially quite a bit. My mom offers her advice but is very much a narcissist in that, she is able to play the expert when i am depressed and when i have achieved something great..she goes a bit quiet, pulls away and doesnt look happy. Over the years ive understood how complex that affect is and exactly what type of family i got. My sibling also gets very jealous if i achieve something and she goes quiet if i need help. So i cant rely on them.

Ive never experienced that trajectory where things just keep rolling forward and getting better due to your effort and network. I reckon if i had..i would feel encouraged, i would feel valued. Ive pulled myself up from suicidal thoughts many times but i stay fairly low energy and if anything im always dreaming and see dark things in everything, the dangers rather than the benefits. Part of my negativity stems from my parents im sure, they always expect the worst but i reckon they are happier not being around me. They are very much a self contained unit, not needing any other person..my sister also experienced this neglect of us but in her own relationship she is starting to mirror them as well. And has achieved a lot by steering her partner where she wants to go. I do not possess this skill.

I really tried this last year to find someone to date, i decided to put emotions aside, to dream a little less and focus on whether i was compatible. I had a few dates but realised that most of the guys only want a faceless hook up, a warm body. Ive thought about writing about this in some sort of comedic way because it was the only way i could deal with the feelings..again, the rejection. I can look objectively and see that they were all people that were lonely, looking for something but not sure what. But i was looking for a genuine connection and couldnt find it. By contrast, my friend, who has a lower expectation, found a guy almost immediately and is happy to have a casual connection. I have to admit, i expect the kind of fire that i felt with my ex. Ive looked into star signs, cultural background, hobbies..to see where the magic click is that would make someone right for me, im still looking, it seems like good fortune is the only factor sometimes…

In the midst of my constant self questioning i got caught up with online bullying..by sticking my head above the waterline i became a target from some young guys. Im white, they are black..they took my interest in them and twisted it into racism, made fun of everything, hacked my phone and i suspect..also my family and friends. It got dark, nasty and political. While i watched this happening to myself, i realised that this happens to a LOT of other people…the videos that you see that are joking about something, are likely to be targeting someone they dont like or want to oppress and either you are in the loop, or not even aware. I know some people are half aware of this online targeting, we are seeing more extreme things will happen with AI. To put a long story short, i realised the end goal might be to ruin me (steal money and my ID) but they didnt need to do anything..it happened all on its own. At the time i was watching a lot of tarot readings, watching a lot of entertainment videos and i guess…generally escaping my reality. There is nothing wrong with that except, some things aligned very much, or made sense a little too much. I decided to stop watching any of it. To take a break. I know a little too much about the motives of others and its so contrived.

i realise im just lonely right now..there is potential for me to feel better. i just kind of wish i could get more motivation to move, change and shake my life up..instead of waiting for things to change. i dont know why i have such apathy.