Hi Anita,

Ive managed to get a therapist, its basically another person to complain to so far! They are just listening to my stories. Im just frustrated and angry that i seem to get so beaten down with problems. Today im actually having another one of “those days”. I dont want to list it all but so far ive discovered some cash went missing (from my bag~something that hasnt actually ever happened to me) and i have the usual excruciating multitude of tech problems with my computer. All of this adds to my already overloaded mind. I feel im going crazy sometimes by the way im so sensitive and reactive to things. I know it could be any combination nr of things, including depression, anxiety, PTSD from being hacked and persecuted online, bullied by my workplace and overhauling my problems with family or lack thereof. I know..it can take years to recover…to meet someone compatible to me so i can finally relax a bit more, enjoy life more..ive been like a soldier for so long, there is no mistake when people say this.

When you wrote “do you loathe yourself”? at first my reaction was “no!” in shock…i had meant purely based off the way the character was portrayed in the movie but thinking on it and now some weeks later i realise that, yes..probably i do loathe myself in the sense that, i cant seem to put a foot right..just nothing works out for me. Like i seemed to discover, oh! im a dork…not a creative nerd. A real loser who can only fuck up. And if i really go for something i want, oh its way way worse! I get rejected even harder by others, things get even more crazy. It feels like the world is against me. Im old enough that i dont even cry anymore, its internalized.

So its no wonder i walk around with fear, worrying about anything done wrong and its a catastrophe in my head. And i just feel i feel i cant afford a catastrophe, im already back down at base camp ffs… trying to climb when others are almost at the top, even if you say its not that bad.

My sensitivity is therefore, really high right now. i just dont want to lose any more, experience any more negativity. Im trying not to drink, sometimes i manage and sometimes i cant do without it. I also know..that will affect my mood and make things worse, but being human…i need some kind of out. I do walk a lot already, i try to exercise a bit, then get depressed about ageing…its normal i do know.

Part of finding the therapist has also made me very sad that i have to accept and become aware again. This is me. who i am. I am depressed and always was. Ive stopped reaching out to friends…just shut down, to survive this moment. Its not pretty to see someone go through it either. I always wish (ha! wished as well!) i could impress someone with some different news! I also dont want to hear other peoples great news either.. It would be nice to believe other people go through this but i know, its not the case for a lot of people and they are just chemically/behaviourly different than i am. There are people out there who do not get depressed like this and dont understand it.

I notice when i hang out with some other people that they have light minds…there may be some sad stuff or difficult stuff, but they are not weighed down, brush it off quicker and move on. I am of course, most attracted to those who seem like that. Who wouldnt be.

Seeing both sides to every thought is exhausting. I do it all the time and get tangled up in these thoughts. I want to write about it and then i think “who would want to read that?” I see other people speaking and think they are so smart. I write my own ideas down and disregard them, i somehow cant formulate anything coherently or smoothly, even in art i was never satisfied with what i did because it just didnt have the right effect. But not being able to turn left or right..that fear of choice…its mindblowingly hard..if i could figure that out maybe something would move forward?