hi anita

I don’t think either of my parents were needy but i don’t remember a lot of my childhood. I know i spent most of my really early days just with my grandma and she probably wasn’t needy but needed help because well she was old and that’s what happens. i guess i’ve always kind of been on my own devices and independent i don’t even know how to have someone else. so someone who relies on me too much or seems like they’ll rely on me too much doesn’t sit well with me and freaks me out. I’m not sure I could be there 24/7 for someone when I still have so much I need to figure out. I can help someone but I also need someone stable enough to be able to help me. I feel like i’m sinking out here and every year i stay a virgin i become less desirable to girls. i haven’t used anyone but ive gotten close to, sometimes ill message girls on instagram or something and once in a blue moon if they actually start responding positively ill just ignore them. I feel like if I don’t have to chase and put everything i have into getting them it won’t be rewarding and it won’t last. It’s also not real if i don’t meet them in real life it feels artificial and almost fake. I have a habit of just ignoring girls who like me because of how picky i get, but if they like me early or easily suddenly i just don’t like them back anymore. maybe im sick in the head or something, but every girl ive liked for real has shown no interest in me and so i had to take all the risks to get anywhere. I guess if im going to be this choosey it comes with the territory, but other people seem to get close to their type pretty easily, while i barely can meet girls who check off my list. i just wish somebody would love and validate me instead of it being the other way around but then when that happens i get defensive because i dont trust it or just plain uninterested in it like some sociopath.