This message is for Anita, and Anita only.

Anita I would love to talk to you about BPD.

But first, here is my story

My parents where married before. My mother had two boys and my father two girls. My mom and dad worked together and had an affair. And that is how I came in the picture. My parents eventually divorced their partners and married – are still married today. However, there was a lot of conflict. 4 kinds lived with my parents and then I came – the one that should not have. My brothers and sisters loathed me. There was constant fights between the kids and my parents. I was alone most of the time and obviously lived with fights everyday in my life as child. Me and my dad never had a relationship as he is a workaholic and he has no emotion. We never had a loving relationship and he was too strict and controlling.

In primary school and high school I was bullied by boys telling me I’m ugly and fat and worthless. It became physical bullying in highschool.

At the age of 12 my life started to change. I became depressed the one day, high on other days. I got aggressive, I hated myself and the way I looked and at 12 was the first time I tried to commit suicide. My parents thought I was just going through puberty – but that was not the case. I knew something was wrong with me – so I did my research. And I had all 9 categories of BPD.

After school I went to university and met my future ex husband. We were together for 6 years – 3 years together and 3 years married. He lived in another country so I had to leave my country to marry him. Once I moved over and we were married, the physical, sexual and emotional abuse started and it got worse. This even more killed me. I had to flee from the country and get divorced from my country otherwise he would kill me.

After my divorce, I became a promiscuous zombie – I went for the one man to the next. If one man hurts me, I just go to the next man – that was my way of dealing with trauma.

However, after years of doing that, I met this guy. The abuse and toxicity was so bad, I started cutting myself. I started hating myself even more. I have no identity so I feel like trash and then I go for bad men. Usually narcissists.

After years of seeing psychiatrists – they wrongly diagnosed me with depression and anxiety and gave me the wrong meds, which sent me into mania. Since I was 12, Ive landed many times in hospital, tried many times to commit suicide and finally last year I got a new psychiatrist who is exceptionally well. And he finally diagnosed me with BPD.

I have an exceptional fear of abandonment – I push people away like I pushed this guy away. My relationships are unstable because I have no identity and hate myself. My mood swings like crazy and I am extremely impulsive. I cut myself daily, I feel like an empty shell inside and I get these extreme violent outbursts. Not even to talk about my paranoia, delusional thoughts. Sometimes it feels like my thoughts are killing me.

Ive never shared my story, Anita – but I really wanted to share this with you.

At this stage, I cannot get over the fact that this guy left me for another woman. The abandonment kills me so bad. I get these anger outbursts, I get delusional, I get paranoid. It kills me because my self identity is destroyed.

Im trying to work on my life. I received my masters degree this year and Im busy with my doctorate degree. Academics help me think of something else except my horrible life. It distracts  me.

Dear Anita, please share how you handled your bpd. I would love to get to know you and talk to you as I have no one else to talk to. Im alone