Hello.
I wish i could tell you this will be easy..but it won’t’ however, i can reassure you that when u finally do this.. you will be so glad you did. My 3 yr committed relationship also just ended. I was ‘suffering in silence’ for quite some time. When the break up happened.. I was initially quite devastated. No matter how much you know it is not right, u still will mourn a loss. I am 4 1/2 weeks out and here is the path (so far)..** I know this will differ for people.

To begin, get a journal ready! Whether online in a word doc or a written journal. BUT GET A JOURNAL!
Start to list all the reasons why u are not happy and why he is not right.
List what you DO want for ur future.. the kind of life.
List his traits that drive you nuts.. anything from biting his nails to leaving the door open when he has BM. whatever it takes!
Read articles and copy the URL in the journal so you can refer back.
Write in it everytime u have a feeling or emotion that u want to express and remember.

Gather ur closest buddies..u will need them!

When u decide to break up.. it may be that he realizes and actually ends the relationship first bc he has a fear of rejection and wants to protect himself from being dumped..but at some point it will end.

So, here is the process that i went thru and from what i have read (and i have read alot!) this is not atypical.

Immediately, u are in disbelief… Kinda empowered at first.. like relieved… but shortly thereafter… around a day to 5 days…you just can’t believe it..U are in utter shock… u want to pick up the phone, text.. see him…sleep with him, etc. U will indeed cry and feel like u messed up and start romanticizing…..but will be rotating between sadness, desperation, hopelessness then relief and empowered. These cycles rotate often..sometimes different emotions in as little as a few minutes..U could be laughing and then sobbing uncontrollably.. u may want to recluse in your home… U will crave him like a drug… U may wake in panic… anxious.. etc.. be prepared.. but u have to hold on! WHY? Because after two weeks of this.. u will start to not feel as upset, the panic will be less….. u won’t have the extremes in emotion and as much of a cycling process… U may then feel more normal but u will also start to feel more overall sad feelings..kinda like a real loss.. U will question yourself..what could i have done differently..u will replay scenarios in ur relationship over and over..literally obsess. U will really ‘grieve’ the loss of what you thought was.. the loss of a dream. This is truly sad…u hear songs and u see yourself.. ‘someone i used to know’ was hard for me because seriously..here is this person who knows so much about you..u open ur soul to him and POOF.. done. this is sad. Who would not feel sad? And be prepared, if he does not want this.. he will reach out to you.. and u will either fold and go back.. things will be awesome for a while but then the same issues will surface and u will come back to where you are now.. its inevitable.

U tend to wonder what he is doing..if he is seeing anyone.. etc. etc. U feel sad, u feel confused, u feel alone..u may suddenly cry get spurts of desperation..etc. emotions run the deepest when u hear about him, see him on social media.. etc.. U simply FREAK with emotion…. but again, HOLD ON! why? Because soon you are at a month.. once u hit this point..i can promise u…if you BELIEVE this is over and U KNOW it is the right decision.. u will feel better..u will think of him often.. may perhaps still try to cyber stalk him from time to time.. but i can promise u it gets easier. Don’t get me wrong.. it is not ‘easy’ at all. but not that hard.

FOr me, it is far easier now…then the last 1 1/2 yrs where everyday i was battling the TRUTH.. the truth that i was in a deadend relationship. That HURTS and is painful..

U need to say to yourself..
This is going to truly suck for a while..but i am going to TRUST the process and have faith that the PAIN i am going thru now will be worth it at the end.. meaning, u will learn about YOU and become a better you… why? Because u need to figure out why u are settling..u need to trust your feelings…

Trust me. i am working thru this and it is still not at all easy.. i almost married the man.. but i know, in my heart, this was the right decision.. so when i think about him and miss the good times.. i focus on WHY we are not together….

For me. i fell out of love at least 1 1/2 yrs ago and then held on until now.. i admitted this to myself this past summer..but again held on thinking perhaps it was circumstances in my own life. But it wasn’t. It was the dead end relationship. I Felt hopeless for the future.I cried often to him (i can’t believe he didnt bail on me!) I saw NO future with him …he would indeed question me about this… yet i could not say it to him because i could not admit that to myself at all. He proposed last summer and i told him i was not ready d/t our circumstances… but truth is..after 2 + yrs, it should be YES OR NO…. not ‘im not ready.’

I need to be clear here.. i fell out of love bc he was not ‘kind’ to me the way he should have been. He was very manipulative and controlling and i felt that i was constantly walking on egg shelves to please him or not get him upset. i could simply say something as a side note or make a comment about a situation in a nonchalant way. if he did not see it the same way, rather than talking to me about it, he would often rage and run out.. often leaving me feel abandoned and alone. Ironically, this is how our relationship ended.
I believe the many cycles of his rage and controlling behaviors (which elicited my guilt, sense of obligation and often feeling fear) truly exhausted me. I no longer even wanted to be with him. I would find myself making excuses to not be with him, etc. It was wrong of me but i did not understand why i was feeling such feelings. i kept thinking i could ‘fix’ the situation and everything would be fine.

Here’s a key question u need to ask yourself?
1. Can u imagine your life without this man?

If the answer is YES, get out.

Here is a statement that helps me stay strong:
‘U accept the love u believe u deserve’
Meaning, if u are in the least bit truly settling.. GET OUT.

I hope this helps you..i only wished i could find a step by step guide to getting thru the pain.. but everyone is different based on so many circumstances.. But i will also end with this.. the only way thru is to GET THRU.. meaning, don’t fight it..feel it. I believe my ‘feeling’ and acknowledging this loss and really feeling it is helping me LET GO and move on.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Des.