Lainey,

I’m sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and can understand how difficult it is to move beyond old habits. We grab on to them, look through it like buried treasure, hoping that we find something that sets us free. The problem is all the guilt, because as you try to look at what you’ve done, instead of accepting, finding the needs that drove the behavior, and growing more skillful, it becomes a Lainey Bash-fest. There is no need for your esteem be in the toilet, dear friend, and there is always a path toward joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that good people do dumb things, and we sometimes find nourishment in unskillful places. These actions or habits are driven by common needs, and push us to do all sorts of things. They happen, they suck, but we get through it. The good news is it hurts, which means you have a great heart.

Letting go of the guilt is about the authenticity of the repentance, or the honest hope you carry to grow away from adultry, and become faithful. Said differently, your heart is true, and loving to your husband… it made its choice, and you love him! When you were away, your light dimmed as you became stressed, far from home and tons of unknown, hard work, isolation… whew! Then along comes some comfort, a glass of water in a desert. It happens, sister, let it go.

Because when you can, and just learn from your mistakes, then you can be free from them. The pain of guilt turns into wisdom, and we learn. Don’t betray, seems simple. But what about that need? The thirst? It was there before, and it pushes pretty hard.

That is about self nurturing, keeping your needs met. You’re so critical with yourself! Be kind, gentle, tender with yourself. Even goddesses get lost in mazes, dear sister, and your heart is true. That’s why it hurts, because your love is so strong. But you have to be kind to you, gentle. Give yourself some space, both in body, such as baths, soft music, meditation, yoga… But also in heart, forgiving yourself for slipping on banana peels or not being able to be perfect all the time. Not knowing everything. This world is confusing, and our bodies can be the most.

Consider a different picture. When you are away from your husband, and feel lonely… such as a hard day, long hours, and you miss him, miss home, comfort, family. Those moments dim our light, cause our body to be become weary in many ways. Physically, mentally, and especially emotionally. When we self nurture, we refuel that light, bolster our strength. When we’re home, we often get a lot of comfort from our partners. They are attentive, kind, and help us settle, feel warm, glow again.

But when we’re away, if we don’t know how to self nurture, we become lost, dizzy. Things all around us start to sparkle, like Dorothy in Oz. When we take some time to rest, hop in the tub, unwind alone, we can tap those ruby slippers together and bring home with us. Our heart opens, and our family joins us in spirit. We remember their arms around us, touching our hair, and the body rekindles, glows brighter.

Then, the thirst doesn’t happen, or as strongly. Said differently, when we become stressed, if we self nurture (or with our loved ones) and just abide the distance as best we can, then there’s no allure to find comfort elsewhere.

That’s why forgiveness is so important, because before we know how to self nurture, and become patient as we wait for our love to rejoin us… we often get lost in the sparklies. Ten to one he was watching porn while you were away, for instance, and voyerism is participation, know what I mean?

So, we shrug and do the best that we can. Consider, set aside the guilt for now, trust me, take a leap, and just resolve to try the self nurturing thing. My favorite is metta meditation. Metta is the warmth of loving friendship in our chest, and helps our mind become peaceful, smooth, and happy. The body warms, relaxes, unwinds, and we become more giving to ourselves and others. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

Finally, (whew, long one, sorry!) consider that you dishonor yourself with all that self loathing. You’re a cosmic princess, a hero of heart… that has had some lessons to learn. We all go through our own moons, dear friend, and there is no shame in it. We flub up, learn, grow, and find our freedom, our wisdom. So have faith in yourself, sheesh! Consider, you’re writing your own story, so make it a good one!

Namaste, dear sister, may your wounds close and path come alight.

With warmth,
Matt