Hi Bruce,

I’m sorry to hear about both your previous relationship, and this fiasco with the mysterious texter. I can see how that would have made things come flooding back for you. I hear a lot of patience and compassion in you for someone who was or came very close to being taken advantage of. I guess first, I’d just encourage you that there is enough room for both your compassion, and any upset feelings you have about the experience.

This experience with the texter will probably fade with time, but it sounds like the deeper issue is some wounds left by the relationship you recently got out of. It’s normal to feel insecure, hurt, unwanted, rejected, or even like no one may love you again after ending a relationship. It’s part of the pain of realizing that something you cared about just didn’t work out. If you’ve given yourself a chance to feel and accept those feelings and they are still lasting, some therapy might help, especially if your relationship was truly co-dependent. I’ve been there too. The mental and emotional trap of low self-esteem that you get sucked into is just terrible, but it doesn’t have to last or define you forever.

I get the yearning to have someone, anyone, approve of you and validate that you are a loveable person. Let’s be honest. Everyone wants to be wanted, loved, cared about, no matter how independent they are. There’s nothing wrong with that. The only way it is hurtful is if you let others’ reactions determine how you value yourself. Just because there is not a romantic partner loving you right now doesn’t mean that you are unlovable or unworthy of love. What worked for me was striking a balance between accepting my longing for connection, and focusing on loving myself instead of hoping others would do it for me. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but it does get easier with time. It’s no fun to feel alone but if you have other healthy loved ones in your life, maybe lean on them for support too.

I hope this helps. You’ll get through this with time.
Sending you some mental rays of kindness,
Jessa