Well, I just found out that the whole time he was doing this with me, he was with at least 3 other girls, and is engaged to one of them, that I know and worked with online. When he had said he was going to come to me, then didn’t, its because he was with her. When I saw that particular pic of them together I didn’t realize who she was because our positions were online volunteers and I hadn’t seen a pic of her. Someone else told me tonight who she is. Everyone in our circle knew about them apparently, everyone except me. I was told I couldn’t tell anyone about us because he would get fired, but apparently they were pretty public and it was ok because no one believed it so he didn’t get in any trouble. There seems to have been several others at the same time as well.

I guess he’s engaged to her, and is also with this other girl who he called his girlfriend on facebook, the one I saw when he added me. I don’t really get it since both girls are on his facebook but I don’t think I’ll ever understand and I’m pretty sure it will take a very long time to get over this. I think that he is a narcissist, that perhaps he could even be clinically classified as NPD. Everything seems to fit; the brainwashing, the making me feel lower than low, the pushing my friends and family away from me so that I was only focused on him, the multiple women and all the lies.

I feel sick to my stomach that this could have been avoided if someone had told me about them. All this time, and heartbreak, and now I have to go to a therapist. I thought I was doing better, moving on a little, but then I hear about all this tonight and I’m right back at the anger, self-blame (I should have known, should have seen it), guilt, disbelief, grief, despair, humiliation. The whole relationship was a lie…

I was just being used. I never thought anything like this would ever happen to me. I was a strong person, now I am weak and messed up in my head because of this. I have never felt like anyone’s garbage before. Now I feel like his garbage and stupid and ashamed that I didn’t see it. I do not know how to forgive myself.