Lightsource,

First and foremost, my sympathies for this trying situation. It can be frustrating and devastating to have what it appears to be someone who cannot make up their minds in having a long-term relationship with you. I understand the feelings of seeming inadequacy, but I am happy that you have the resilience to not believe this. Before you decide to move on, is there something you can learn in spite of this roller coaster? If he seems to be an impulsive person who did not like to plan ahead, that seems to be the first red flag, as a marriage is a commitment that requires more planning ahead and less impulsiveness (could you imagine his fathering techniques?). It appears that you were ready for a long and fulfilling relationship, and he possibly had doubts jumping into the same ship. Although the feelings of being afraid is natural and understood, the first person he should have talked to is you. No matter how you slice it, I feel that he handled the situation very immaturely with his subsequent actions, and that is no fault of yours. Examine the situation, your emotional responses of anger and resentment, was that truly stemmed from what you feel is a weakness of yours and yours alone? Or were these simply a reaction to his poor behavior? I wouldn’t recommend allowing anyone to have power over you by making you feel as though you must be “cool and collected” while they are misbehaving. Anyone would have reacted the same way. Forgive yourself, but I don’t feel I have to tell you that you can’t force someone else to grow (which would be a chore anyway). If you’d like to focus on controlling explosive reactions and channel them in a more calm and assertive way, there are lots of resources (and can catch many off-guard if they know they are misbehaving, they can’t use the “its YOU that’s the problem! Look at how you’re acting!” excuse anymore.)

Now, it is a good exercise to meditate and reflect on some seeming weaknesses that you may have before seeking out another relationship. Re-examine why you want a family, why you want a long term relationship. Is it for the right reasons? Or because you feel the slow creep of time? We as humans tend to see less clearly while under pressure, we give up needed examination in favor of shortcut solutions to make the perceived time crunch. I feel that this same mechanism can cause us to make not so great mate choices or miss subtleties that could have sent a message saying, “this trait is going to be bothersome later, let’s talk about it now.” If a similar situation arises again and you are pit against the same traits of impulsiveness from your partner, as fun as it might be in the moment, I would take the opportunity to explore why they are like that; more often than not people will give you insight on who they are if they are simply asked. This is a good way to anticipate how this is going to match up with your future goals and plans.

Best wishes.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by Fiyuhfry.