Hi Rebecca,

It sounds like you’re going through a hard time at the moment and I’m sorry to hear that.
I replied to your last post about the anxiety you’ve been experiencing and I’m happy to reiterate some of the things I said 🙂 I understand the need for reassurance when your mind seems to be doing its own thing and causing you pain.

First of all, don’t be afraid of your thoughts; they’re just a symptom of your current anxiety. You’re not going crazy!

Obsessive thoughts are very common in people with anxiety – something which someone else may think about only momentarily becomes your absolute focus. This is because anxiety forces you to think in a very narrow dimension – it stimulates your adrenal system, which produces stress hormones (adrenaline, cortisol) and puts you in a constant ‘fight or flight’ state. This means your attention is narrowly focused on a perceived threat, and escaping it dominates your mind until you find a way to make yourself safe again.

At the moment, it’s your thoughts that you perceive as a threat because they make you feel so afraid – hence your attempts to ‘escape’ them. Of course, you can’t do that because your thoughts are always with you; trying to think your way out of an emotional reaction to your thoughts doesn’t work. All that happens is your anxiety increases, because there’s no release for it which would normally be found in a successful escape from whatever threat you’re facing. Looking for that release, you refocus your attention on your obsessive thoughts – the ‘threat’ – further increasing your anxiety, and so the cycle continues.

Fear of death is felt my many people, myself included, but it’s quite possible that your current anxiety is what’s causing you to think about it nonstop. And that’s OK – there’s no need to judge yourself for it, or for any of the other unpleasant thoughts you’re experiencing at the moment.

What I think you do need to do, though, is not try to escape your thoughts. Trying not to think about something is the best way to ensure it stays in your mind! It’s also exhausting, depleting and upsetting – it seems to be causing you a lot of distress, as it did me!

I would really recommend you look into mindfulness to help you. I’m reading a book about it now (co-authored by Jon Kabat-Zinn) which details one of the main ideas of the concept: cultivating a ‘being mode’ rather than a ‘doing mode’ when you’re feeling anxious or depressed etc. I’d definitely suggest you look it up for a proper explanation! It includes the idea of accepting what it going on right now rather than trying to make things as they ‘should be’, or trying to use your thinking powers to feel different or avoid certain emotions. It also entails looking at your thoughts as passing ‘mental events’ and observing them curiously and without judgement.

It’s OK to have the thoughts you’re having; getting caught up in them it distressing, I know, but the thoughts themselves are nothing to be afraid of. The way to move beyond them isn’t to try to banish them, but turn towards them willingly – this will take away the fear. At the moment you’re most likely bracing yourself against them and are probably constantly scanning yourself for signs of anxiety. I know that feeling so well!!

Whenever I have that feeling now, which I still sometimes do, I’ve started taking slow breaths from my diaphragm (breathing from the chest also stimulates the adrenal system incidentally, so diaphragmatic breathing is good for relaxation in general!) and saying to myself ‘just be’ on the out breath a few times. It’s like a mantra in a way I suppose – it does work to bring me back to the present moment if my mind is running away with itself!

Learning a new way to relate to your anxiety is a process, so don’t be disheartened if you feel you’ve relapsed – you will make progress and find peace.

All the best for now and good luck with your exams (as Moongal said, exams are not the most important thing in the world – do your best, but don’t put more pressure on yourself than you need to!)

🙂

A