Inky,

I’m sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and can understand why you have some difficulty relating directly to men. It can be tough when our parents are closed off, because we very naturally want their approval, their love, their affection… and when they don’t give it, it can drive us to get really creative to try to “win” or “earn” their affection… and/or become bitter that nothing we’ve done has gotten us what we need from them. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

First, if we have karma in our connection because of previous comments, I apologize for my side of them. I haven’t liked your advice to some others, and I bow to you in respect. It makes sense why your heart would inspire such solutions as you’ve offered, reflections of some of these unhealed pains. If there isn’t too much aggressiom for me on your side, perhaps we can unweave some of these tangles. My wish is only that your steps along your path are more joyful, more peaceful, more authentic.

Consider that often the nagging itch inside of us when our parent is “off elsewhere” is that we wish to know them better, and especially, wish to know what they think and feel for us. So we dance and press, hope and consider, try and try to find out what is going on. If only daddy would wake up, see his dear daughter crying, and offer her a gentle comfort in the thunderstorm, then the heart would rest easy, knowing that it was safe. But, and this stinks, sometimes daddy is distracted or lost in his own storms, and doesn’t know how to give his daughter tender attention. “Not in his nature” is bullshit, its more like “sorry, I’m waaaaaay too distracted to reach out to you.” Yes, it sucks that you’re kind of far down the totem pole on his list of priorities, but that has nothing to do with you.

Its actually more about him, and what his dad did during the thunderstorms. The way his father was perhaps busy being famous, and tossed any number of things at your dad, but not that which was needed to help him find what you’re now missing too. That sense of unconditional, immutable, infinite love that grows inside us… when we have the space to do so.

We know when its missing, when its not being expressed. He looks at you, and you can see it in his eyes. He’s only a little bit there. You may feel it like “why isn’t he looking at me”, but that’s only because you miss him, yearn for his attention. The truth is that its not about you, its his mind isn’t very present at all. He’s still a scared boy, afraid of what’s around him, stuck in a little room in the dark, lonely. So he hides, darts here and there, plays with comforting, reliable, known toys. He’s older now, so the toys have grown. Now, they’re “people that will do reliable things as I pay them.” He feels alone, and no wonder.

From a different angle, consider that you’re fixating on what you don’t have, rather than what you do. Your grandpas fame gave a benefit of money, hurray, but at a cost of time and tender attention, boo. You, just like almost every child, have to find acceptance of the good things we get from our ancestors, and forgive the lack. We have to sit with them in our own heart space, and just let them be. Not “how could I fix him”, not “what could he do better”, not “how could I win him over”, not “if I was his shrink…”. Rather “what is really there?” He is far more than just a role, just your father. He’s a son, a boy, a man, a fool, an artist. All those things, and like you, fumble and bumble along his path, holding many fears inside.

When you can sit with him peacefully, spaciously, the visions you have of him will change. Not from his side, but from yours. Instead of “oh, he doesn’t invite me to his house on Christmas, how could he do that to me”, it will begin to bloom like “oh my goodness, how sad for him to be so caught up in whatever, that he isn’t excited or yearning for the beauty of Christmas morning reflecting in the eyes of his family. For all he has materially, look at what my poor daddy is missing out on.” Then, your tears for him will fuel your joy, your appreciation of the sparkle in your children’s eyes. Sure, it would be nice if you had that with him, but be glad you have it at all. Many don’t. He doesn’t.

From there, relating to him will become much more simple. No need to manipulate him, such as leaving for months to see if he’ll notice. That’s a lot of work on your side! Why let him control you in such a way? Instead, simply, it can become like “here’s a kiss, daddy. Are you ready to see my beauty? See my tender love that waits like a flood behind these walls that you put up? No? OK, my dear alone daddy, maybe next time.”

With warmth,
Matt