Mark,

You don’t have to be perfect to offer the rhythm of your dharma to the world. Said differently, why bother worrying if others can beat the drum better or brighter or faster? When you perform your art, it flows out of you and touches the hearts and minds of those listening. Just rest in the beauty of that, let it help you find your north.

Consider that the self isn’t “missing” or your “enemy”… its just empty of anything inherent. Meaning, your thoughts aren’t dragging you down, its the type of thoughts you’re having. Fear, grief, pain, pleasure… these thoughts have weight to them that pull your attention toward the object. Breathing meditation helps loosen their grip on our attention, so we’re not overwhelmed as easy. However, it sounds like you’re experiencing tastelessness. Consider switching for awhile to metta meditation specifically, which will help break you out of “mark-land” and back into the world.

Said differently, when we grow loving kindness inside us, the self naturally becomes more peaceful and our life stops being a task list, and turns back into a garden path that we play down. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested.

From a different angle, consider the self much like the rhythm of our song. We don’t stop the beat (such as let go of all thoughts, staunchly weather the storms in our mind), rather, we flow in tune with nature (grow the mind into a garden, following our heart’s beat). Breath meditation helps us realize our song isn’t inherently anything, a blank canvas. However, certain actions produce certain results, such as punching a wall produces pain in our hand, judging produces pain in our mind, etc. When we do metta, our thoughts become more friendly, more peaceful, more smooth, so we can find our rhythm and simply play.

Finally, you sound like you’re really harsh with yourself. Don’t do that! We all have this weird task of trying to find balance and joy. Falling along the way is inevitable, so don’t let your mistakes compound into harshness toward yourself for making them. It happens to us all, dear brother, and we have to learn to nod, accept our actions as just what they were, then go back to the cushion to rekindle our happiness.

With warmth,
Matt