Cyd,

In addition to the other kindly advice, consider that you’re trying to muscle through a battle you can’t win. The porn and fast food and intoxication are needed right now, they are the ways your body copes with stress. If you try to conquer yourself, you’ll always lose. Consider a different approach.

Instead of “stopping your habits dead in their tracks”, accept that you’ll have to erode them. Maybe today, after you watch some porn and feel comfortable again, stress relieved, and so forth, make the decision that tomorrow, you’ll try a different way of relieving stress. Then, tomorrow, when the desire springs forward “hmmm, porn?”, just remember “oh, not today!” and do that other thing. Maybe go for a walk, breathe in the air, look at the trees, let your body unwind its stress in a different way. When you get home, if you still feel you have to watch some porn, do it. Just be mindful of the difference. What does the walk feel like, vs what does the porn feel like. Be aware, be open, just look. Over time, as we do this, we naturally just want to take a walk more, and watch porn less.

From another direction, consider your food habit. When you eat healthy, it feels better in your heart. But, perhaps tastes less like comfort in the mouth. I’m reminded of cookie monster, who when eating cookies gnashes and gnashes. Barely tastes the cookies themselves. So, if you wish to eat more healthy, after you eat your next big mac, say tomorrow you will eat healthy. Then, as you eat tomorrow, taste the food. Not just in the mouth, but how does it actually feel to eat that way? Better! The body is happier when we give it good fuel. But, the mouth (and the sense pleasure from greasy, fat and sugar rich foods) is very happy with fast food. Don’t let the mouth be the only voice, let your heart and body have a say. So be aware, keep your attention on your food, chew deliberately, feel what your body is saying. Then, over time, you’ll naturally move toward healthier foods.

I know it seems unreasonable that just paying attention will move you toward wisdom, but that’s only because you’ve been too busy fighting a war with yourself to let yourself blossom your deeper desires. At war all day, self hate, self criticism, no wonder you need some fast food, porn and beer… so much pain needs some pleasure to feel better. Let it be more gentle than that, let yourself be tender with cyd. It makes all the difference.

Finally, consider starting a metta meditation practice. Where lifting weights builds muscles, metta builds happiness. Right now, you are so angry! Angry at the porn, angry at the food, angry at Cyd. Metta helps build patience, acceptance… helps to let go of the bitterness. Consider, what you direct your mind toward produces emotion. Stare at how shitty you did with not eating fast food, and you’ll feel shitty. Stare at how beautiful you are, and you’ll feel beautiful. If you can’t see your beauty, then stare at your desire to be happy, be peaceful, be healthy, and you’ll begin to feel happy, peaceful, and health with blossom naturally. I’m not kidding, its that easy, it just takes time to grow, like a tender seed of hope that blossoms in the mind and momentum of our life as joy. Don’t take my word for it, though, try it, you’ll see. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. Twice a day for a week and you’ll know.

With warmth,
Matt