Hi Tulips,

Well I have to admit from the outset I can’t really say that I’ve experienced the same things directly (can anyone truly say that of any experience?) but you seem to be suffering somewhat under a similar weight to a lot of people. It sounds as though you’re doing tremendously well – to be mindful enough to see when you trip up is not just a very good sign in itself, but also goes to show what great strength you actually have, even though I suspect you repeatedly feel quite the opposite. Probably the first thing I would suggest is the art of letting go of the stress around the element of control which you mention. Even when life may be considered “perfect” by every reasonable definition, life is never all that controllable.. not really, but you know what?! That’s okay. For my money I’d say that handling any situation with humility and lack of expectation not only makes the momentary experience more authentic, but it also in itself helps to reinforce the real lack of importance to control. Life can carry a beautiful randomness to it, and I’d probably say roll with life moment by moment, and don’t be hard on yourself.. not for a moment in return. The fact that your circumstances are compounded by AA recovery means that it will be hard I’m sure, though it definitely sounds like you have a positive outlook on this aspect, and that’s a better, longer lasting position than one of looking for and struggling over control. Make no mistake either – we’re all deserving of love. That love has to first come to ourselves from within, which sounds like a scary thing, but in truth it sounds as though you have a good measure of that already too, since you’re in here and out there dealing with your feelings and talking, and that’s a very encouraging thing. Rome wasn’t built in a day! As with everything about helping to make life beautiful, you have to find what really makes you tick and play to that strength. The more you can focus on the things you like, and the more you can notice around you that’s beautiful, the better you will feel. It will take time and it sounds like you are handling some pretty big feelings at the moment, feelings which are overwhelming you but that’s okay too. The one thing I think I can relate to if nothing else is a sense of emotional chaos. I’ve found that the only thing to do with that is let go, again as with the issue of control. Allow for what is, allow it to be and allow it to pass. The passage of time is a great healer on the weary mind. I sense anxiety in you, but I’d say just lean into what you’re feeling and know that you’re handling it as best as you can – I think your mind knows what it’s doing, just help it a little by being kind to yourself. With time and a little wind in your sails, who knows where your little trail of connected dots may lead? All the best for now!