Wow…Crazy how life goes. I was looking for answers about the same question, and here i am reading all these magnificent responses. I’ve went to my very first Al-Anon meeting earlier this week. At first, i stepped back, because i saw a lady i knew. But then, it was my place, she and i are in the same boat.
I was so tired…so so tired when i got there. The night before, I’ve watched my bf getting drunk again, counting the beers, sitting through a lot of yelling, madness, anger from him.
For months I’ve tried in all ways possible, to control his drinking. Tried it all. Tears, manipulation, lies. You name it. I’ve wasted countless hours sitting here beside him, just to watch if he was getting drunk again. Instead, i could have just taken care of myself.
The morning after, i took an important decision. It would be the last time i would sit here, trying to control him.

I didn’t realize how crazy i was becoming, i didn’t even know what co-dependency meant. This is my first relationship with an alcoholic. Myself, i don’t even drink socially, i never drink, and I’m 42 y.o. For some reason i cannot still grasp, I’ve always been saddened to see ppl having addictions, even with strangers! It affects me a great deal. Like i carry them all in my heart. Especially alcool. I am a cashier in a grocery store and i see the same ppl coming every morning at 8, hands shaking, getting beer. It hurts me still, and i make a great deal of effort to get detached from this.

I wasn’t aware of my bf’s addiction when i met him. I saw him having a beer or two like my dad, and that didn’t worry me. But i had a little surprise…
No, he’s not a bad person, he has an illness. I know it now.
No, our efforts to control other people’s drinking habits won’t succeed. Always a failure.
And the sooner we understand that we are powerless, the sooner we can heal too.
Yes he is mean with me when he’s drunk, he screams at me very often for reasons that escape my logic.
And yes, he’s always full of promises the day after, very apologetic. He truly feels the shame to have lost control again.

But i am stronger now, i saw my own issues too, i know i can regain the control over my own life and look away from his.
It won’t be easy, in fact it’s gonna be hell! Yesterday i was battling anxiety cause i was at work, and he was at his home. I could not see what he was doing ( if he was getting drunk again, when he said he wouldn’t) but i managed and didn’t call him.
I went straight at my place after, and he gave me a call. Yes he was drunk. Was my worry useful in any way? Not at all.
I may leave him, i may not. I feel so much better to know that i will be fine, no matter what….! Because I’ve got ME! I am not him, i am not living his life. I used to be in peace, i used to take care of me. Now i became co-dependent.

Whatever you do, don’t take any spontaneous decisions. Prepare yourself a while, repair yourself too.
Love won’t change him, no matter how much you give.
But love him anyway, whether you’re with him or without him. That’s gonna change YOU!
Blessings.