Jobebee,

Can you feel the anger mamma has shown in the previous posts? Trust that, you’re being treated unfairly. Consider that your boyfriend steps on the petals of his flower, and blames you for his life being empty of blossoms. Said differently, when we’re shown tenderness, we feel open enough to be passionate. His actions come across as controlling, angry, and addicted… so very naturally your passion for him lessens. It’s not from your abuse, not from your side at all. If he treated you kindly, your whole body would see him differently.

I agree with the above posts… if he doesn’t grow, and fast, consider bailing. Better now when your esteem is shaken, than in 5 years when it’s gone. Right now, it sounds like his stress pushes him into power games, which have no space in a relationship. He’s basically throwing up his icky feelings at you, aimed sharply at your vulnerability, and you’re left holding the blame (inside both of you). This is bad for you both.

Sometimes we find ourselves in situations that mimic previous experiences. This guy sounds like a chance for you to heal from the abuse more deeply. Consider, it’s ok to stand up and push him to grow. He may, and he may not. It’s ok to stand up and leave, I would. Inky would. Moongal would. But, this is your journey, dear sister, but whatever path you choose, just be sure to take a stand. Shake him off, by whatever means necessary. How do you control your rage at being treated in such a way? Just eat it as somehow deserved? Don’t let him define you like that. You deserve, need, tenderness. We all do. And we all deserve it, even if some others don’t know how to express it or give it.

Finally, in troubled times we can’t always rely on another to give us the gentle touches we deserve. This makes finding good ways to self nurture very helpful. We remind our bodies of love, of warmth, of kindness… by being loving, warm and kind to ourselves. Take a bath with candles, go on a walk in nature, engage in a student group, or whatever helps you feel awake, inspired, and safe. My favorite is metta meditation. Metta is the feeling warm friendship in the chest area, and is much like our inner light. Stress dims it, but we can rekindle our inner spirit with some effort and patience. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

Namaste, dear sister, may you find the strength to defend your home, your heart.

With warmth,
Matt