Patricia,

I’m sorry for your losses, and hope your grief passes with time. To me, it seems the feelings are all twisted up, the mind all twisted with different views. Very normal for grief, usual, disorienting. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

First, its very normal to feel like “something is amiss”. Part of the tranquility you built involved companions. They were there during practice, during walks, part of the safety of “home”. So, its OK to feel a part missing, it is. This also makes it fertile though. Because you carried them with you into a mindful space, your grief very noticeably collapses that space. But that’s all it is, grief, and over time will settle back into love. Now, a feeling of “something missing”, but as it heals, “wonderful memories”.

Next, consider that dumbo flew without his magic feather. You don’t need the dogs to be mindful, mindfulness is all within. Don’t be afraid that just because they are gone, you’ll lose all the beautiful practice and effort. They were just a magic feather, in that regard, and your wings have always worked without them. The pulling is part of that grief, the fear that you can’t, the fear that you won’t. Just part of the loss, and with time, you’ll see you never needed them, it was just beautiful to share that space with companions.

Finally, be patient with yourself, trust yourself. You’re going through a process, and will emerge with radiance on the other side of it. Don’t let the minor or major disorientations that spring forward during grieving cause you to question deep aspects of yourself. Just breathe, make space, let it flow in and out. The wisdom grows naturally, easily when we let it. We don’t have to relentlessly seek it. That’s just pain, making us agitated. Breathe in those moments, they’ll pass.

With warmth,
Matt