Hi Mina,

I’m very much in agreement with Jasmine regarding the alcohol. Regarding sex, I think your expectations are natural and healthy, sex is one of the most intimate ways to express love. The trouble is (I think porn is largely to blame here and a general misunderstanding in society for what sex is really about) a lot of guys just see sex as another external thing to get (like alcohol, drugs, chocolate etc) to make themselves feel good, i.e. an entirely selfish act. The thing about love is that it is about giving, love is a connection in which energy is given out. If you only take, that is not love, it is just an unhealthy dependency. Zoning out typifies such action, which is what fanatasising is, he’s replacing the genuine connection with you with his fantasy.

The question I would ask yourself is ‘does he really care about me?’. I say this based on my own experience and of having male friends. It is often the case that men will just use women in quite a subtle way, just going out with them to satisfy their own needs and they just try to keep the woman sweet, but they don’t REALLY care about them. The thing is though it is hard for some (maybe most I don’t know) women to pick up on this. I know this sounds horrible but I’m trying to tell you the truth that’s all, and it may well not be the case in your instance. It could be that he just has this bad habit, but I just find it difficult myself to imagine really loving someone and even wanting to zone out at such an intimate time.

Anyway, this is just something to consider, Jasmine really hit the nail on your head, to listen to what you personally think is right from your heart and what you deserve.

I find that when I act based on preserving my own self-respect and my own integrity that I do the right thing, for myself and others. This doesn’t always mean doing the nice thing however, e.g. sometimes feelings will get hurt, but truth sometimes requires it. So, the one thing I’m going to recommend is that, to ask yourself which course of action leads to you doing the above as you go forward with this.

All the best,

Ben.