@lindseyt86,

I apologize for the delayed response.

You say you have been battling depression since you were a child, it is then quite normal for depression to have such a strong hold of you and altering your moods so suddenly. In a sense, it has become an ’emotional habit’. Perhaps, there are some unknown triggers at play which provokes your changes.

It is my belief that life deals in dualities. This simply means that there is an opposite to everything and both are dependent on the other in order to exist. For example, if ‘up’ did not exist, there could never be a ‘down’. If there were no ‘hot’ then there would be no ‘cold’. I’m sure you get my drift. In your case, there are certain triggers which cause you to regress into your depression. It is then my belief that you must create opposite triggers which will bring about positivity, or happiness. In fact, such is the case for even those who do not suffer from depression. Happiness, for the most part, is something that is constantly worked on in order to be maintained. Those of us who are not fortunate to simply ‘be’ or ‘inhibit’ this state on a constant or near-constant basis must work diligently to do so. We create, we develop beliefs and ideologies according to the experiences we encounter and suffer which gives us the strength and understandings to tackle all that is of difficulty in our lives. For example, you possess morals which will not allow you to take another’s life. The same must be done with your depression. You must seek for a purpose or purposes with which to combat your depression and its episodes. However, do not feel disheartened if you do not instantly find any. Purpose should not be something easily found. If it were, I’m sure this world would be a better place. However, purpose should be as it implies: purposeful; and such grandeur should not be decided upon without time and proper care. Our lives are important and we should take the time to nurture ourselves properly. Also, do not feel as if you must rush. What is of true importance is your understanding of the happenings both inside and outside of you. In a math problem, how can we arrive to and derive an answer if we do not understand the equation, right? Rushing will not help us. It is understanding that will.

Lastly, in my brother Matt’s words: be kind to yourself. Life is tough enough on us as it is. We do not have all the answers nor ever will. But, perhaps this is a good thing. I would find it too boring if I knew it all. What discoveries would I relish in then? Sometimes, especially for me, the journeying is what’s truly wonderful (even the difficult parts). As for your mother, it is understanding to seek support from a parent. However, we must remember that we are all beings who suffer in our own ways. It is possible that your mother has her issues to deal which builds frustration hence the arguing. Perhaps, recognizing that you both share a suffering, a similar experience, may help you feel compassion for her and walk hand in hand beside her on your journeys instead of you ahead or vice versa. Also, recognizing that each and every single one of us suffer similarly or exactly as you may help. The fact that we all share an identical suffering, and identical bond, proves that we are all connected despite the commonality being on somber grounds. With this sense, we can say that ‘we’re all in this together’. And, personally, I find it too sad that we should share an existence where we live our lives in an ever-mournful state, or near-like.

In conclusion, find a purpose strong enough to repel and fight off your depression. Take your time in finding one and acknowledge any progress you make. Nurture yourself positively and see us all (humanity and this world) as a whole. I hope adopting this view will give you a much needed boost. Should you need any more help this community will always be here. Also, please excuse any grammatical mistakes I often tend to make in long posts. I hope this helps.

Al