Ruminant,

‘It’s not going to be helpful for you if we say “if only he would change, then everything would be OK”. That’s the mantra of codependents 🙂 You can only control yourself and be honest in your communication with others in what you need and what you feel.’

Now that you mention it, I do find my mind going there. I get confused on the balance between my learning self control, mindful communication, and setting boundaries, and asking myself “Is this marriage is more work than it’s worth and maybe it’s time to end it” versus “Marriage is hard, so I need to learn to be more tolerant, accepting, and committed for the long haul.” I think for now,I need to make sure I’m not playing a role in our toxic interactions.

You know,I never saw flirting that way. I tend to not flirt, because I felt it was disrespectful and disloyal to my spouse. But that may be because he would sit alone with an attractive woman at a party and talk all night and then when she find out that he’s married, she looked shocked. Perhaps I should evaluate my own views of flirting though. I think if I felt my partner or spouse made me feel safe, respected, and cared for, then I might view that type of situation differently.

I do work from my home, & am realizing I start to over analyze when I have too much time. Now that my new hormones have given me more energy, I’ve been getting out more with an all-female MeetUp group I started. We take walks, have a live outdoor concert planned Thursday, had dinner Friday, dance to live music, etc. It’s helped give me things to look forward to & have gratitude for if I get in a funk. But I struggle with insomnia, and funny always have the energy to get out every day like that. Maybe on those days, which is probably when I’m most vulnerable,I should find more low key activities like watching the sunset over the mountains with a glass of wine. I’m also trying to focus on spending more time growing my business and trying some new things, because I went thru major burnout last year when I went through menopause after 17 years of doing the same thing.

A support group..that’s a fab idea! Do you have suggestions on where to find a good support group, and finding one based on the principles of mindfulness?

I’ve been working on my self esteem, because my mindfulness journey and that CBT Diary is helping me realize how how much I beat myself up when I’m not “perfect”…in looks, in relationships, at work, etc….& how that can be projected in my feelings with others. Ironically I always viewed myself as an optimist and go with the flow type, especially with my company…But I’m learning how my mind can be irrational and goes to the negative with events or my husband without also finding the positive. I’m learning acceptance, tolerance, compassion and forgiveness for myself and others….and that’s been a big struggle for me but I’m making great strides and just need to stay persistent.

I’m so glad I posted this message. It’s helping me a lot. 🙂