Misha,

In addition to the other kindly advice, consider that all of us make mistakes, and feel crappy from time to time. The problem isn’t the icky feelings, those happen to us all. The problem is you think the icky feelings make you unlovable, such as “that part of me doesn’t deserve tenderness, I must stamp it out to be good enough for him.” False, garbage, old pain. Instead, consider that your boyfriend loves you, and when you feel crappy, rather than want to dump you, he wishes to hold you, help you remember that you’re loved. You poop and fart and sneeze, all lovable, all part of your beauty. You rise and fall, happy and sad, laughter and tears, all part of your beauty. Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean he doesn’t.

Consider a few different paths. One, consider reading some of Brene Brown’s work on vulnerability and shame. She really is a great light for those who become scared certain parts of themselves make them unlovable. Two, consider admitting you’re lost when you’re lost, such as “wow, dear boyfriend, I am feeling disconnected and unloved, would you reach out with your tender heart and comfort mine? Remind me of my beauty?” If he wants to help, but doesn’t know how or when, it can really help him help you if you own up to your feelings and submit them for healing into the relationship.

Finally, often times we can begin to think there is something wrong with us when we’re just a little stressed. It creeps up on us,such as being fine for a few days, then a pair of late night caffeine driven study sessions, and low and behold we’re feeling unlovable again. All normal, part of learning how to take care of ourselves. When we sleep when we’re tired, eat when we’re hungry, laugh when we’re happy, and cry when we’re sad… the self-conflict drops. Said differently, if you push too hard at being happy, stable, “not crazy”, you’ll just be conflicted, self contentious. When we accept “sometimes I’m happy, sometimes I’m crazy, sometimes I’m hungry, sometimes I’m full”, then its no big deal. Sad? Cry, or ask for a hug. Hungry? Eat. Tired? Sleep. Not “why do I have to be hungry, it sucks” or “why do I have to feel so down, it sucks”. The former way sees our needs met, while the latter makes us feel guilty for being full of needs.

Namaste, dear sister, may your contention unravel into self knowing.

With warmth,
Matt