Heidi,

In addition to the other strategies, consider that healing from inner conflict is a about befriending, forgiving our foes and ourselves. Buddha taught that anger is like a hot coal we grab onto with the intention of throwing it at our enemy. But the hand, heart, that burns is our own. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that if you felt more secure in the starry eyes your husband gives to her bride, the exes issues perhaps wouldn’t blip. A gentle tap on the cheek, a “pardon me sis, you’re staring at my apples again, find your own”. You remember what its like to feel lonely, unloved, its tough. If shes trying to break up a matrimony, she must be lonely, scared, insecure… and while you don’t have to try to help her, being free, confident, peaceful in your own heart is about not letting her actions grow hatred inside you. Consider a simple mantra/prayer of forgiveness: “No matter what conditions are bringing up her behavior, I forgive her for her unskillfulness. No matter what conditions are bringing up my hatred, I forgive myself for my unskillfulness. May we be free from whatever entangles us with lessons learned.”

Finally, consider talking to your DH when you feel insecure,opening up your tender fears so he has a chance to hug you, assure you, sing to you his heartsong. Keep it on your side, be inviting, such as “her presence in our life troubles me, brings up pain inside me. Will you help me feel secure in our love? Remind me our home is safe for me to be vulnerable?” Its you and him looking out at the world together, dear bride, for as long as you two keep sharing space, breath. You can keep your home safe without swords, bright without fire.

With warmth,
Matt