Kendall,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how dark it gets when shadows loom and patterns settle in. Clouds burst in the sky, obscuring whatever joy there was, until even light seems but a dream. Happiness? Try hopelessness. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

The great thing about intense suffering is that it is very distasteful. You say that the darkness is comfortable, and I call bullshit. Consider your restlessness. How hard it is to distract yourself from the feeling of dis-ease. Its crushing ya, and you pretend its comfortable. What you mean is, “I don’t have faith I can change”.

The good news is, you can, and its waaaaaay easier than you think. Your mind is rutted in habits, and its time for you to grow new ones. Certain cycles lead to a sense of space, some lead to a sense of compression. You’re in a tough one, no doubt about it, and its not a miracle, boom, you’re different. But, there is a well trodden, simple path that produces noticeable, reliable results and a shitton of relief.

The trick is only that you have to intentionally think happy thoughts, noble thoughts. Not just “yeah, I’ll try to be more positive, heh”, but sit your ass down, grab a guide, and let them guide. My suggestion is “Guided Metta Meditation with Bhante Gunaratana” on YouTube. Let your fed-uppness with the seemingly endless pain bring your mind to the present, and listen close to what he says. Its a process, a gateway, a raft. We speak happy words, with as much authenticity as we can. Over time, a few days or weeks, we begin to think happy thoughts. Then, we begin to feel happy feelings. Nothing artificial, its not fake it till you make it, its steps. And it reaches all the way down into the deepest shadows, when the being makes a choice to grow toward the light. Hopeless? Please.

What I see is all your strength of heart is simply turned inward. You have all this bodhicitta, yearning for freedom, clear air, space… but suppress it, turn away, fear driving you to bite down on your desires, hiding. No wonder it hurts. No wonder you feel crazy.

Finally, don’t be afraid to get some professional help. Your descriptions are vibrant, and your ability to tell a story, your view, is quite remarkable. However, you also describe hallucinations, auditory, visual, which might benefit from some medical investigation. Unless it was just you being eloquent, which it is/was.

I’m sorry if you were expecting a pity party, or that you’re not being treated as somehow uniquely broken. Perhaps you see a crumpled up waste of a child, but I see a champion with kryptonite sunglasses. Take em off, holy shit! Its daybreak already?

Namaste, brother, may your heart find its tender light.

With warmth,
Matt