Hi Ayame,

I can’t say I’ve been in your position but I feel I can relate to some of what you’re describing.

Though, what sticks out to me is how you talk about failure.
“if the kids have done badly that it is automatically my fault”
“if I don’t worry or beat myself up that I am failing somehow and should be trying harder”

We’re taught that failure is a bad thing. I personally disliked school mainly because of the idea that if I failed enough, then I could flunk the whole year, then have to repeat it. I was terrified of that happening. I quickly put together that failure should be avoided at ALL costs. I’m feeling this kind of vibe in your post.

Over the years, my view on failure has changed.

First of all, it’s normal to fail. How many times do we succeed at anything on the first attempt? Our body and mind are not perfect. We each have at least slightly different wiring in the brain. Our minds wander at times because we have an imagination which doesn’t shut off (another good thing). We have emotions. Any one or more of our 5 senses could be stimulated, prodding our focus to shift to something else. Just from these examples alone, to me, it’s easy to see how easily we can fail at even the simplest tasks. Again, the mind isn’t perfect. Mistakes will be made. Maybe we should go easier on ourselves and others?

Secondly, failure can be a good thing. We can learn from mistakes, hoping to not repeat them. Will we get a perfect score on the next attempt or the one after that? Not sure. We still have those other things going on which contend with our focus, mentioned in prev paragraph. Surely there are times when you learned something from a mistake that you otherwise would not have learned if you had succeeded.

I wanted to explore fear of failure because it was something that bothered me quite a bit through the years. Like a subtle under current, rearing it’s head during pivotal moments. I used to catch a glimpse of the fear for a moment, then give into the fear, and do what ever it took to feel like I wasn’t failing. These included flat out denial and/or masking the failure with a success in something else. Listening to your post reminded me of this experience so I thought I’d touch on this topic. Perhaps fear of failure is something worth looking at for you? Or maybe it doesn’t apply to you. But hope it helps in some way.