@blaice As you may know (or maybe you don’t) people that have had (or currently have) drug problems tend to (literally) disappear. For hours, days, weeks even. This has happened in our relationship…on various occasions, not recently since we got back together but in the past. One thing that stuck with me on the very first time I experienced this and as I was crying my eyes out and pretty much going into hysteria, were the words of my brother. He said to me: Wherever he is, is where he wants to be right now. God those words stick with me till this day. I don’t just apply those exact words to everything, but the message that he was trying to give me was that, whatever he was doing, he was doing because he wanted to do it, wherever he was at the moment, he was there because he wanted to be there. I didn’t understand that at first (since I was drowning in my own tears), but I later understood that this man had a mind of his own and made his own decisions, good or bad. It had nothing to do with me or with what I wanted or needed from him. It had to do with his own selfish being.

The next few times that he did this “disappearing act” of course those words from my brother flew right out the window, but I don’t think that I questioned the ‘why” is he doing this? I knew exactly why, it was because he wanted to. This of course, brought up more of the angry feeling out of me because I couldn’t understand why (again with the why), after me being (in my mind) such a great person to him, why out of nowhere could he put me through this? It was, as you said in your response to my post, simple. Because he did not want to be this good person (for that present moment). It’s this “truth” that I still struggle with today. I try to stop asking myself “why”? My oldest sister has also contributed her thoughts and told me that I don’t need closure. That I can give myself “my own” closure. Pick a reason out of a hat and that’s it. You’ve got your own closure. She told me :” If that’s not good enough for you, then you are going to make yourself hurt, and it would be your own fault this time”. It’s true! Why can’t we just take any reason and take it as our key to move on from the problem at hand? Why can’t we accept the “reason” given by those that hurt us and move on? I have the answer to that one. Because the reasons given are never EVER going to be good enough reason for the pain we have gone through. I have had to literally MAKE myself believe that “it is what it is”. As I write those words I laugh because I have always hated it when people say that! But I must say that it’s the only way I can stop my over analytical (as you mentioned) thoughts and just breathe, try to communicate to him the best way I can and have been doing, and only hope that he receives that as me trying to understand him and not trying to attack him (which will only lead to him NOT wanting to talk and just leave).

That’s what I have learned. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle with this, and still have to deal with this everyday. But I do feel like it get’s easier. With places like Tiny Buddha and people like you that are willing to help me and help each other by sharing, advising, and just plain talking about our experiences helps immensely.