I tried to communicate effectively today, which has always been hard for me. My father is bipolar, my mother is simply mean, and whenever I said something as a child that wasn’t acceptable to them, or made a noise they didn’t feel like hearing at the time, I got hit. I learned not to speak up for myself. I withdrew. I have a hard time making eye contact, or even feeling like I deserve to inhabit the space I stand in and the air I breathe.

So today, because I want to make a change, I took my frustration to work and sat down with my boss and said, ‘Okay, I know I have poor communication skills, but I’m working on it. I’m frustrated because ______, _______, and ______.’

She told me to relax, do the best I can and not stress out about getting everything done. She told me she’d heard from others that my lack of anything to say about anything had caused problems for them, and they thought I didn’t care about anything or was just an angry person (which I assumed, dimly, through my nicotine haze anyway).

For about an hour, I felt fantastic. I did it. I talked to someone about my frustrations. I was honest, I was vulnerable, I trusted another human being to hear me out and respond with kindness and understanding.

And then I realized — I still have too much work piled on me, none of my concerns were addressed in a way that actually gets the work done, and I feel stupid. I feel incredibly stupid. I feel like I’ve traded in the smart, cynical person I was before who saw the nastiness in everyone and the ways in which all they wanted to do was take advantage of me, for some idiot who says, ‘I’m flawed, and I know I need to work on it and try to improve the way I’m viewing this impossible situation I’m in, because I can’t actually cause any positive changes externally whatsoever.’

So I end tonight feeling depressed and angry, and as if I’ve completely betrayed myself, and less like I know who I am or who I want to be than ever.