I can certainly empathize with your situation. When I was a child, my father was domineering, violent and abusive. At times he would come home from the bar drunk and beat me for some perceived wrong I had done. The fear and resentment I felt toward him was very real and I carried it into adulthood with me. Today I am 41 years old and I only recently let go of that resentment.

The feelings you described are something you will struggle with until you find the courage to let them go. In the mean time, there are certain things you can do to make life under your parent’s roof a little more bearable. I would recommend at the very least talking to them one on one about your feelings. Rehearse what you will say over and over in your head and try to anticipate their responses before hand, so you know what to say when they dispute what you say. Be respectful and loving, but firm at the same time. A good opening statement might be something like: “Mom, you know that I love you and I am so grateful for all you have done for me throughout the years, but there is something I really need to say and I want you to understand I am saying this in love…” Then start going over how she makes you feel inside.

Chances are, you will not be completely successful at convincing your parents at first. Admitting to being wrong is very difficult and I’m sure your parents eel they are acting out of love, even if you don’t. But by talking to them, respectfully outlining your feelings, you are putting the idea in their minds that maybe they have some areas to work on. And even if changes are not immediate, what you said will stay in their minds and they will think about it.

If this does not work, you may need to consider avoidance as a viable option. I only recommend this as a last resort, but if life with your parents seems unbearable and nothing else works, try finding various other activities to fill your time. Get involve in a school group, a local volunteer program, or some type of out-of-school class. Look online for student activities in your area and give as much of your time to them as you feasibly can.

While your efforts will primarily be to make an unbearable situation at home more bearable, try to also see things through your parent’s eyes. Try to understand why they may be acting as they do. As an example, let me share some of my own experience with my father and how I learned to forgive him.

My father wasn’t always a drunk or abusive. I remember a time long before the abuse started when he was loving and caring. The drinking and abuse began around the time my younger brother was born. Knowing that my father suffered from severe insecurities and that he adopted me in order to prove to my mother that he loved her; that I was forbidden from even mentioning my biological father’s name in the house; that the abuse began as soon as my younger brother was born (my father’s real biological son); and that of the three children, I was the only one who was physically abused, all convinced me that somewhere in the back of my father’s mind, I was a constant reminder that my mother had previously been with another man and this was hard for him to deal with.

Whether or not this was actually the case was irrelevant because my analysis was not for my father, it was for me. I needed to have some reason why my father was so terrible toward me, so that I could cope. For me, this all made perfect sense and the more I thought about it, the less resentment I actually felt. Over the years, my resentment turned to sympathy and sadness and at one point I remember feeling a love for my father I had never felt before. Putting myself in his shoes helped me forgive him and today, my father and I have a good relationship.

A final word of encouragement:

Your situation may seem unbearable today, but like everything else, it will pass and when it does, it will seem but a moment in time. Try to consider it a test designed to strengthen you. Look for ways it might have shaped you and prepared you to handle a sometimes cruel and overbearing world.