Hannah,

Its a great and fertile place you’ve arrived at, congratulations! Consider how all this chaos is carried around like a weight. Surrounded by clutter, fat tissue, deeds left undone, there you sit looking around at a mess. Yeesh, no wonder you’re tired! A few things came to heart as I read your words.

When it gets too heavy, we are able to choose to set it down. Consider: you have been doing zillions of things, have a lot on your plate, and the resulting stress is showing up in different ways.

Think for a moment of your journey like a big house. In some of those rooms, such as boyfriend, having shelter, friends, family, they’re nice and neat, sparkling. Maybe not fully enjoyed, but no big messy spills, clutter, or weight.

In some of the others, though, the stress is more apparent. Putting on some weight, clutter, mental chatter, etc. It becomes a knit together picture “I’m a cluttered person, sigh, damnit!”. Then, the clutter is so much heavier, to start something is to confront the whole of your self. No need, much simpler than that. Just look around for a need, and try to fill that need. For instance with cleaning clutter: find one space that is small, simple to clear, and clear it. Make it sparkle. A little gift to yourself,despite your history, despite what you think you are. Just to have the shine in one spot. Then look, just look. Does it feel better? Do you like that more?

If you do, then just spread that shine outward. Little bits, as you wish them, as you see something that could be done to make your world shine a little brighter, do it. That’s where the feeling of freedom comes from, appreciative joy for being who you are, where you are. Said differently, nurturing ourselves, such as being generous to yourself, giving to yourself, being generous to others, giving to others, brings a much needed breath of fresh air, blue sky.

Don’t worry about the weight, don’t worry about the mess. Instead, just tend the choices you’re making. Eating light, fresh foods feels shinier, so we do that. Throwing away the garbage, putting away the hair ties, clothes, feels better not only to do, but to experience afterward. Then, rest is authentic, not hiding, just breathing from a do well done.

Finally, consider starting a metta meditation practice. When our inner light burns dim, and the world appears shadowy, shaming, we can nip that in the bud by cultivating some positive mental habits. Similar to Jasmine’s kind advice of “steering the mind”, my teacher noted how the mind gets agitated when compressed, like a horse, kicking in a barn. We’re told to control our mind, tame the horse, but that never seems to work, or closes off our empathy. Instead, we remove the walls of the barn, and the horse settles on her own. Maybe smells some flowers, chews some grass. Metta helps open that space, so that as we explore our environment, clutter and shine, our mind isn’t so jumpy, likely to run off, or kick at us. Just, “Oh, garbage? In the pail. Dinner? What feels shiny?” Not that it isn’t hard work, it is, but you’re doing it already. The uncomfortable feelings are just the desires for the shiny space being halted by fear. As we bolster our inner light… fear? Ha! Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

Namaste, sister, may your eyes open to the trail of love behind you, around you.

With warmth,
Matt