Jen,

Its great that you’re looking for wholesome action. You may wish to do a little digging for others with narcissistic mothers, there are some patterns that other daughters may be able to help you wrestle with/let go of.

For the fear that saying no is unwholesome… that’s false, a big nope, leftover from mom saying things like “if you love me, you’ll…”. Being wholesome is about skillful giving, which is different than just saying yes, which is often only enabling. Saying yes when your heart says no is a good indicator, generally, that its become enabling, where you try to take on your mother’s issues as your own. Clean her messes, solve her puzzles. This makes a beggar of her, and a fool of you. Neither really get what is needed. Instead, saying yes when the heart says yes, and saying no when the heart says no can help you figure out your skillful balance, skillful giving, to yourself and others. Said differently, don’t sacrifice yourself for the sake of giving to others, rather, give to yourself first,and as you’re nourished, give outward. Mom may dislike your backbone, but its your journey, your garden to tend, dear friend. Make it a good one!

With warmth,
Matt