Alyce,

There is no need for such conflict in your heart. It may help to call what you’re experiencing “burnout”, rather than falsely think something is “just wrong” with you. To much given, not enough received will quickly weary the strongest hearts.

The resentment, feeling of “get away”, all fades quite simply when we are well nourished. Our mind, body, heart, needs space and tender attention. My teacher described this as caring for our own air supply, before trying to be steady enough to help others skilfully. The resentment is like a jealousy, as a starving woman may feel for others who are eating mindlessly, wasting food. If we take some time to grow our own food, nurture and care for ourselves, we often find the path before us looking much brighter. Instead of “gosh, people want something I don’t have, leave me alone”, it becomes “whew, look at all that I have! Do I share it? With myself, others?” Light, simple.

In the meantime, sometimes the skillful choice, when the phone is ringing, is to answer. Such as being tired, seeing the dishes, then choosing to do the dishes first so the rest is more authentic, peaceful. Answer the phone, accept the role of lighthouse for a while, then when you hang up, really hang up. Be done. Move on, back to the canvas. That way, when you get there, you’ll know you’re in the spirit of giving, and just rightfully aiming that gentle light toward your own path.

Sometimes, just don’t answer the phone. Let the bees buzz, their free honey pot closed for business. “Oh, I was painting, turned off my phone. I’m going to do that now sometimes.” “Oh, but, oh, but, you’re on call 24/7” “Sorry, nope. Wipe your own butt if I’m not around, you’re a big girl/boy/husband.”

Finally, sometimes when we spend a lot of time feeling like no one is loving us back, the world can appear shadowy, as though our loved ones don’t share love with us. This isn’t it. They feel safe enough to confide their stress, ask for help, see you as a goto being. That’s their heart, underneath, saying “with her, its real, go there”. Said differently, sometimes if the night looks shadowy for us, but bright for others, we just have to look down at our chest. Chances are the love there is a lighthouse, and you’re just too busy shining to notice. Take the time to notice, you’re worth it! I bet they do, underneath whatever distractions they have.

Namaste, dear sister, less cleaning, more playing! 🙂

With warmth,
Matt