Travis,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how women sometimes make us crazy. 🙂 Be thankful that you are only left with some debt, Van Gough was left with only one ear! Sometimes we become afraid that we’ve been somehow stained or ruined by an unhealthy situation,but that is false. We get ensnared, but we keep breathing, and we heal. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that you were giving her affection from a heartfelt place. Perhaps it wasn’t the healthiest dynamic, material exchanges aren’t a great foundation, but still, you were doing your best to connect and show your affection. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, you’re still a good hearted man, and are not the first to spend a fortune to woo a lady. And, yes, of course she is still a lady.

As far as growing up, so you don’t make the same mistake again, consider spending more time self nurturing, giving your mind and heart tender attention, letting yourself know you’re loved by you. Perhaps go on walks in nature, take a bath with candles, exercise, listen to soft music, or whatever helps yourself relax, unwind, and feel peaceful. Sometimes when we don’t have good self nurturing habits, we flutter like a moth to a flame, no matter the cost. When we do self nurture, our heart becomes stronger, so we can pay closer attention to the costs.

Said differently, it sounds like she was fun, you had warm feelings for her, and want to have a loving partner. Those are all great! To do it without the debt (financial and otherwise), consider next time trying to find someone that gives back. Apart from that, you did great things! You followed your heart, did your best, gave your all, and learned a ton. Next time, maybe just keep your eyes open.

For the here and now feeling of discomfort, consider starting a metta meditation practice. Metta is the feeling of warm friendship, and helps us find our center. Our past pain is like a cloud that can follow us around, mental chatter, self criticism, doubts, and so on. When we practice metta, our mind grows peaceful and smooth, awake in the present moment, sun shining, clouds breaking. Consider “Sharon Salzberg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. First we start thinking kind thoughts, then we begin feeling kind feelings. Toward ourselves, and others.

Finally, don’t be harsh with yourself because of what has happened. There seems to be some added discomfort because of her profession, but that really isn’t needed. We all have jobs, and they don’t define us. She’s a woman, and you felt warmth for her, and that’s all that really matters. Romance is a funny thing, and transcends social expectations without remorse. 🙂 Cultures get ignored, gender gets ignored, and the heart moves us toward the mystery of the dance. Its in our blood. 🙂 If you grow a bit more self nurturing, a bit more self caring, then maybe you won’t also get ignored. Then, doctor, porn star, janitor, man… it won’t matter, because you’ll give your heart, and they’ll give theirs, and the rest is something you two will learn along the way. 🙂

Namaste, dear brother, may you hold you head high, overcome your remorse, and see again how beautiful you are.

With warmth,
Matt