krdvimm,

I’m sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and can understand how confounding life can be sometimes. Here is a man that you sympathize with, is obviously troubled, but treats you poorly, aggressively invasive. So on one hand, perhaps you wish to kick his butt out, but on the other, perhaps somehow get trapped in confusion, unsure of what’s the right thing to do. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

The anger you have for the situation is normal, and nothing to do with your tender heart. Said differently, even loving beings get pissed off when boundaries are crossed, and that’s OK. No need for feelings of guilt because its too much to handle. One of my teachers used to say “there are some folks that would piss off a Buddha.” Consider letting some of that emotional fire out safely, such as screaming into a pillow, flailing your arms around, punching something (preferably not someone) and so forth.

That being said, consider that with your husband’s friend, there are really two possibilities. One, he’s a bodhisattva, and pushing all your buttons so you wake up and stand up to his bullying, stop being rolled over so easily. Or two, he’s a stuck and cranky kid, blaming others for the garbage that goes wrong for him, bullying, and you’ll have to wake up and stand up to his bullying. At any shade in between (giving any benefit, because who knows) the solution is perhaps the same.

To do this, it is perhaps easiest to open up the back door and let his garbage pass right through. All his pokes and prods, pressure and bullying, trying to convince you that you’re the issue… all bunched together like a big cord of slime he’s been throwing at you. Then, “uh, no thanks, don’t want it anymore, let it be gone”, perhaps even envisioning big white scissors of white light sliding right through that crap. You don’t have to cut the white ones, such as wanting him to find his stride, heal his wounds, find happiness… just the ones that claim you have to help him do it. You don’t. Let him find a teacher he can’t bully, let him find the help he needs from someone better prepared to handle him. But still, it’d be great if he did find that guide, was able to clean up his act and grow up. Just not on your dime, ya know?

Then, after you shake him off, consider turning toward self nurturing. Take some time to unwind, be alone, quiet, with the mystery set down. Maybe let your brother babysit, and get in your car and go do something, just for you, just because you want to do it. Even more fun, don’t tell anyone what you’re going to do, or what you did. Let it be your secret, a smile no one else gets to share. Or, hop in the tub with candles, put on some soft music, or other self caring activities that help you just let go and breathe for awhile. Get some softness around you, warmth, help remind yourself that life is beautiful, or can be when we take the time. 🙂

Finally, consider reading “Facing Codependence” by Pia Mellody. There are a lot of signs of caretaking, both from you and your husband (or your boot would have met his friends butt long ago). Boundaries can sometimes be poorly understood, what is helping and what is enabling, and many other factors that could be making your situation much more confounding. Mellody’s wisdom is very plainly written with step by step instructions, and even has an available workbook called “Breaking Free” that you can use alongside the book (if you’re so inclined 🙂 ). It may help you figure out how to stop his hooks from grabbing you, why limits are healthy, how to stand up for yourself, how to recognize, validate, and express your needs, and so on. His BS won’t stand up to her PhD, and will certainly make his “no, you just don’t get it” laughable. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt