J,

Consider that perhaps you’re still looking at her with your old eyes, from the old space. Like, old boyfriend J would rightfully feel betrayed at her actions, and a lot of your sense of the relationship is from those times. If you met a new, beautiful woman that had slept with a few guys in her recent past, perhaps you would be grateful that she wanted to choose you, now. Not “oh, well this maiden has been sullied by indiscretions” or “that’s cheating” or some other nonsense.

The solution, in my opinion, is one of two paths. Either you let the past remain dead, such as old J and old girlfriend are now dead and gone, never to return, and what you build now is new, fresh, curious about the past, accepting. Or, move on. You’ve been doing great work, important work, and if you’re not ready to reboot like that, that’s OK. You have a tender heart, and even more tender sense of trust.

Its tough to repair a broken intimacy, takes a lot of forgiveness and letting go. You can’t push it, or force it, or just not be bothered by things… on both sides, little tender shoots of togetherness blossom when you both accept one another, wholly, as is and as was. Her sex and your discomfort at her sex, both natural, usual, lovable.

Either way don’t stop doing all that wonderful work nurturing and healing. A relationship can sometimes inspire a backslide, so make sure your roots into J version 2.0 stays strong, well tended.

With warmth,
Matt