J,

Well then, perhaps its time to learn how to let go? Like, in the past, all sorts of jealousies, angers, and fears came up that pushed you two apart. As you took a break, you began to find forgiveness, self confidence, inner stability… and then whammo, here’s a new agitating vision that gives you the chance to put to use the work you’ve been doing. The best lessons are often a little thorny, as are the best romances. How else would we stay awake? 🙂

J, and I mean this kindly like a bandaid pulled off quickly, you seem to be projecting your insecurities onto her, and she deserves better from her partner.

You two broke up, and she perhaps went looking for comfort. This is like having the music turned off in one house, and as she missed the song, and singing, she jumped toward another instead of grieving the loss of what she had. Very normal, usual, and has little to do with you. Perhaps if you were there, she would have gratefully accepted your comforting (and ideally, she could greatly benefit from self nurturing, finding comfort in her own tender care), but you weren’t there. In some ways, you failed her, left her alone and scrambling for tender attention. And now, internally, you’re acting like a moral judge, standing “above her”, pointing down on her actions as though you’re any better. But also, hopefully, seeing the hurt and jealous boy, with a nagging itch inside that says “perhaps this is my issue”.

That being said (sorry if it got stingy), its very natural to feel icky about what happened. Your tender heart is only beginning to grow confident in J the Man, and to have visions of her with others is understandably challenging. Consider pulling back from the “shock” of what she did, which keeps you on her side, judging, and instead ask yourself: Why do I feel so threatened? What fear is driving this painful feeling inside me? Love is tender and accepting, spacious, and does not produce the confusion you’re experiencing. That comes from some attachment or fear on your side. Consider: What prevents you from opening to her past, looking with curiosity to see if she learned anything from her experiences, and then using that information to make your life of love more skillful?

Said differently, you appear to be feeling like you never really broke up, and so hold negative feelings for her actions during the break. This is fine, but has to play both ways. Meaning, if in your heart you never broke up and consider her actions betrayal, then you must accept that you deeply betrayed her as well by leaving her alone in the cold for months. What did you think would happen? She’d just lock herself in a tower and wait for her prince to return? Do you realize how foolish and selfish that sounds? She’s a woman, with very real and unavoidable needs, and perfectly/imperfectly tending those needs, like you, me and everyone.

Finally, consider Big Blue’s suggestion of getting some professional help, perhaps even couple’s counseling if your heart is intent on working through it all. There are lots of signs of codependency, on both sides, and while that doesn’t doom the relationship, it does mean that there is work to do for you both. Together, and independently. Intimacy often, usually, collapses when the partners are “the whole world” to one another, and one another’s mistakes “large beasts of challenge”. Better, healthier, and sustainable when you both have your own worlds that you share together. Like for you: your self nurturing, self growth, and following your dreams (not including romantic dreams) fuels your happiness. For her: her self nurturing, self growth and following her dreams fuels her happiness. Then, you two share the happiness inside each of you with one another. Some counseling could help that balance grow, if you’re both interested.

Namaste, brother, may your gavel be replaced by a gentle scrub brush.

With warmth,
Matt

PS: Consider offering her an “honest reach”, translated into your own tongue of course. “I’m so sorry for judging your actions, dear princess, it has been painful to hear your stories, and my trust has bruised, pain clouding my vision of you and us. Will you help me find our safe space, where we can simply smile and dance under the stars? I wish to hear our song again, I miss it, you, us.” If you can’t find this thread inside you, then I can’t see how you’d be able to build something lasting. At least not yet/with her/with her yet.