Hello AniaK, Wow that is a long post! I truly belief, that you should sit down, somewhere quiet and listen to your inner self.
I have been wandering the world for more than 30 years, without really understanding why, or what made me not want to return to my home country. There were good reasons for that. However, in my case I had to lose my one true love in order to start understanding who I truly was and what I wanted in life. Every day, early morning and late afternoon, I sit somewhere quite and I talk and listen to myself. You need to find a way to align with your path. THe do so, make lists of what you like, what you want, what you expect etc. Gradually you will understand yourself. THen stop doing the things that are or go against your true nature. I have banned people out of my life, I was for the longest time living up to their expectations, so basically living my life as an actress. I have taught myself to say “no” when I do not feel comfortable with a certain situation or request. And more importantly I have learned that I don’t care anymore what people think of me. I feel free now, I like who I am and have learned how to love ME.

Hope this helps a little. Set yourself free, Surround yourself with people you feel good with or you’re happy to have around you, get a job you enjoy. Look at the little positive things in your life, start appreciating them and focus on all the good, putting all the bad things in a “mental drawer” and leave them be. You cannot love someone else unless you love yourself first.

Wishing you wisdom, courage and strength!
Anaïs