Todzilla,

She sees symmetry in your struggles? What is she wrestling with? Where is she at? If she has lack of compassion, what is going on for her that collapses that spacious warmth?

You’re speaking as though to let go of your side and be there for her, is somehow self sacrifice. As though Todd will be lost as he scrapes and serves her. That’s not compassion, either. That’s “Todd being so caught up in Todd that he doesn’t have space to see where she’s really at.”

Consider that “withholding intimacy” is your side. Her side is perhaps “not in the mood” or “not feeling it”. “Wanting to control” is your side. Her side is perhaps “looking for stable ground”.

The most troublesome is this “auditioning to be her husband” quality. Because you two are married, do you feel you have some type of rights? Perhaps you have been taking something for granted that you should have been honoring all along. Assuming you “got the part”, “have that in the bag”, and so stepped away from wooing her. Said differently, each moment is an audition, a chance to show her what you’re made of. Are you an angry son-of-a-bitch? Are you really so blind that you think she doesn’t know how mad you are? If you can unclench your mind around this notion “I’m not being heard, how unjust!” then perhaps you could see how you’re not hearing her, either, and in your anger, your strong urges to be seen, heard, and loved, are judging her need for recalibration as manipulative and unjust. Its her need, friend, and she is right to take a stand.

With warmth,
Matt