Dear Mia,

It seems there is a lot on your mind though i am sure you have managed way better than you really give yourself credit for. Divorces are hard and you are really young to be honest. I think a huge part of the control you wish to exert on your yourself, people, the world and situations in general is your way for compensating subconsciously for the lack of control you may had in your parent’s situation. You have deep rooted trust issues and that does spill over to people who want to have a connection with you. According to me, you need to try the following, they have helped me immensely over the months and perhaps they will help you too.

1) Separate the things you can fully control, partially control and not control at all:

a) Can you control war, poverty, oppression, illness of the whole world? In the most serious sense, what is the best question of control do you have here? At best it could be to devote your life as a welfare worker or campaigning in organizations involved. But really, thats a very very long process and you need to be very strong financially, emotionally and connections wise, to make such things happen. Change is possible but dont expect it to be easy and the whole world will be swept clean. Its a complicated world and you dont have control. Reflect on this.

Is there really anything useful about filling yourself up with fear and sadness over things you dont have control over? Why wreck whatever shred of peace of mind you already have? Believe me, i volunteer in places where people (kids) have been affected by homelessness, abuse and God knows what and every time, i return home, i cry my lungs out and then tell myself- “If they can smile despite this, then i need to have the courage to smile too despite whatever happens to me”

b) Beauty really comes from within – the love you give out to others and the way you glow…not these pretty plastic women that our media seems to be promoting like crazy – sure its nice to dress up and feel confident but this is a part of confidence. If you really want to work on your body, invest time in developing stamina and strength…believe me, regular vigorous exercise helps the mood swings so much. Even if you are size 0 or size whatever, loving yourself just the way you are is the hard part but believe me, exercise and good sleep will work wonders.

c) You’re just 20 my love, dont be so hard on yourself! People have screwed up way more in their lives and come out of it. Well, i dont know my purpose either and most of my friends dont. So what? So what if i dont know?

I am here, right here, living my life, finding love and beauty, overcoming my fears and learning how to cope better despite all the uncertainty. Keep walking, and tell yourself this every day-

“I dont know where i am going but i am on my way”

d) Spend your free time in something you enjoy – that was a tough one for me cuz i studied way too much, or didnt study at all and then hated myself, ran away from friends wanting to go out but give yourself time. I started painting, going for walks, doing something creative..watch a lot of vlogs actually 😀

for example, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdGNWyq8nsQ

And yes, though i have written a list of what to do, believe me i know what it is like to feel this way – i spent a major chunk of my life in self-hatred, fear and anger but you can get out of this. Start small, believe me…you’re going to experience some beautiful things over the years..I used to think that all the depression, social anxiety i had and whatever happened in the past meant i was stuck, i was a failure and utterly unlovable. Part of still has the old feelings but i am human and all i can do is fall, pick myself up again and keep going again and again.

This takes a lot of courage though and i believe that you have it..This sadness is not you. You’re way too complex but its time to get in touch with the light within you..it will never get illuminated unless you have really felt darkness..imagine a pitch black room and a match being lit and then a big ray of sunshine. These emotions will help you know where you need to change..think about what you are sad about..what can you really change and what do you actually have to accept..

I will recommend seeing a therapist for this process though. Took me some 3 years to figure it out on my own, hence the suggestion 😛

Hope you find your inner light.

Regards,
Moon